Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Dear God

Assalamualaikum.
Hello again people. Unless you're an alien from outer space, then hello alien :)

Lately I've been in a constant mood fluctuation. Thanks to my Psycho meds module I know that I'm not in any form of depression, as I'm not persistently under the weather. Ecehh. Also thanks to my little 'family' here in Dubs, they are one of my main reservoir of happiness :) Well, the mood just fluctuates when my mind went through deep thoughts. You know, thoughts that often sent me insomniac at night, and thoughts that often made me wonder why such and such happened.

Living away from home sucks. Big time. It means you live under the prying eyes of others, instead of your dear parents' wise protection. Of course, God is always there watching you closely as you make decisions. Nevertheless, this little place I called my second home has many to offer. People make judgements, people spread gossips, people care about you, people leave you, people make friends, people come and go. I fall into all categories. I know I did those things to people too.

One of the things I always have at the back of my mind, is how we used to judge people, either silently in our thoughts, or loudly so as to make other people aware of our thoughts. Just because Karim doesn't read the Quran in front of you, doesn't mean he never touched the alQuran. Just because you saw Minah watching TV a lot, doesn't mean she didn't spend any time studying. Just because Dollah's parents never stopped him from going out late at night, doesn't mean they never pushed him for solat jemaah at the masjid.

I am struggling, so hard, to amend my relationship with Allah. You don't understand. Seriously, who on Earth wanted to be a bad person since the first day they were born. With all these mumblings I subtly hear anonymously, it just makes everything a lot harder. You're trying to better yourself, yet here you are surrounded by people labelling everything you do, making me feel even more disgusted with myself. As if there's no hope to change at all, as if changing is a waste of time, as if you're already a hopeless person. As if it'd be much better if you just stay the way you are now. That I have fallen into that big black hole of badness and there's no way out.

As much as I love Dublin, I miss home even more. To see my friends leaving in 10 days' times just precipitated my heartache. That crushing chest pain you have in angina, I felt it almost everyday before sleep, not that physical hurt, but much more of an emotional pain no words can describe. This is going to be the longest 2.5 years of my life, and God is my only source of courage.

Allahummaghfirli zunubi.