Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Semangat yang hilang

kita cari pulang.

There was a time in college during ramadhan, a weekend spent distributing flyers and comics about ramadhan in Sunway Pyramid. Sunway Pyramid, I tell you. A place people head to for shopping and entertainment, and ice-skating -.-" , not for some flyers reminding you about Ramadhan and Islam. Like "hello, kitorg pun Muslim kot, of course we know about ramadhan yadayadayada." And there we were, dispersing in the many wings of the mall, receiving weird stares from people.

These days if people do good, it's impossible if it doesn't include any reward. So people stared and some even asked if they have to pay for the flyers. Some even refused because they thought it's not for free. Some took it and looked at us in disbelief, as if nobody ever gives something off for free these days. Some refused because they thought we're from some kind of a freaky religious group. And oh well, some refused because they're in the middle of a lovely date and we just barged in, interrupting with the flyers. And we did it, without the slightest sense of embarassment. And ada jugak makcik yang mintak flyers lebih nak bagi all her kids. Comel. One of the many weekends in college I'd remember the most :)

And looking back, from where did I have all the guts to approach the public randomly talking about Ramadhan? Because if you ask me to do the same thing now, I might think twice. Not because I didn't want to, but because the guts I had once upon a time are not the same as now. Not the same enthusiastic spirit which can push you off to do anything, absolutely anything, to get people doing good. Not the same spirit which send me off running to my friends' room to share something important. And thinking that way, it makes me sad. Because I know I'm not that girl anymore. Not the one who'd do anything to spread the word without doubt, but one who'd think twice to do the same thing I did dulu, because it felt so wrong when you don't practice what you preach.


And yes, I'm proud enough to watch them as they grow stronger by day. From what we once were in college, to those who're now actually planning and leading a huge team. I deeply love and treasure each one of you, for all of you have sacrificed so much and brave enough to keep holding on no matter what. And I know right now all I did was disappointing people with the responsibility given to me. I have a feeling that things might change one day, that somehow I might not be a part of the same old group anymore. The only thing I knew is no matter what happens, I will never abandon His road and the responsibility for this is where everyone should belong. The pace I am now is slower than a snail crossing the road, probably slower than that, because there's so much things going on that keep pulling me backwards. Please don't linger on trying to drag me because you'd do so much better if you run along and move forward, and I'll catch you up from behind if God wills it.


Something I heard from someone hit me, that makes me want to write this post up. "Sesuatu kumpulan itu takkan hilang, kerana kekuatan sesuatu kumpulan itu, terletak pada keikhlasan ahli-ahlinya." So as long as you're there, I know it won't ever stop and fade away, even with me crawling so slowly, or even without me along.

With the humblest heart ever, I admit that I have wronged in many ways. How can you preach about something so pure when you still have many wrong things in your pocket.


I love you no matter what :)

3 comments:

:) said...

dearest ika..

T_T

allah loves you dear.

n i love you too fillah~

iman yazid wa yanqus kan.. mine pun sama.. huhu~

dan jalan semua org nak menuju syurgaNya tu x sama..

tp still nak sgt kann masuk syurgaNya.

ika.. if one day.. i fell down. left out. not even moving like a snail. static.. please push me. dont left me there. n make doa for me.

n whatever it is.. how challenging the road for us might be.. moga allah limpahkan cahaya hidayahNya pada kita hingga kita bertemu denganNya insyaallah.

yang suka baca blog adik ika,
:)

Anonymous said...

dearest ika..
jom berjuang habisan..
rinduuuuu
saat itu
rinduu hingga sekarang..
rinduuu untuk ke syurga bersamamu..
boleh jadi yang berlari itu lemah sebenarnya, hanya menantimu memberi kekuatan bt mereka...
berlarilah bersama2
jom!!! demi cinta Allah..

Anonymous said...

emm, ika
whoever the `u' is..
you are the `u' for me

the one that iman jatuh, hati kotoq, semangat hancus. nangis sangat, when she says hati kena sangat suci, cuz it symbolize our amal
feels like running away, that is me.

but looking how u struggling,
rasa mcm nak masukkan muka dalam tanahh.
kenapa u cant struggle like her.
this heart so fragile .

dulu, yeah i can proudly terus berlari. but itu when Allah tak uji lg hati.

but now, He really test mine.

struggling!
i need ur support here dear.

what we feels just same.
if we break apart, ada la yg akan jd tukang sorak. pak S.

bismillahirahmanirrahim..
-yg nak try baby step again.