Saturday, November 26, 2011

3 days of agony


This place had been abandoned for the last two weeks. Because of a few reasons, one of it being the fact that I've been constantly bombarded with 'things' that seemed to be directed to me. So being me, certain things that people say, and write, and did, hit me and apparently I didn't know how to respond in order to show them that I'm hurt. Hence, I ended up doing the most immature thing I did, hiding up all the posts in this poor blog, thinking it can help them understand. You silly girl, Zulaikha.

Since I've left you for almost two weeks, I shall make this a long one, I guess. My finals will start on the 10th of December, which means I am left with merely two short weeks that should be filled with revisions. I abandoned that, too, for the last 3 days. Imagine having 3 days spent doing nothing, lying in bed because apparently, the gravity of my bed seems to be a lot heavier than the gravity of Planet Earth. 3 days wasted just like that, 72 hours of pure bliss on the bed, while everybody else is hitting the books like mad. Wow, 'that', 'bed', 'mad', it rhymes! I miss writing silly poems. Sobs. Ok back to the story, so yeah, I'm in a terrible mess, basically. I guess everyone had that period of time when you're hopeless and sad for no reason. And God put me through 72 hours of sadness and being me, I am always unable to see the hikmah. You silly girl, you.

In the last two weeks I planned a study timetable. What to accomplish in a day etc. And I've been following that timetable religiously. Until last Wednesday, when the agony began. Well actually, agony sounds a bit intense, macam mental suffering ke apa. It's more of an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Again, being me, I resorted to sleeping the whole day long. Leaving the 3-day gap in my study timetable. I am a pretty rigid kinda person, when I plan, I need them executed, and when it doesn't happen, I am completely lost. As for now, I am lost as to where should I find the pace again. 3 days of not revising and now where do I begin? Lost. Adoi. You silly girl, youu.

Even worse, if you're sad and you face it on your own, it's okay, but if you're sad and you affected the rest of the world, that's immature. And that's me. Perhaps it's a cry for attention. Perhaps it is to show that I'm sad and need some time alone. What I meant when I said the rest of the world is affected, is the sudden realization after you're finally sober that you've hurt the people around you for that matter. For instance, pity my little goldfishes, I haven't cleaned their tank for almost 5 days, well, because I'm sad. I wanted to clean them on Wednesday but since I'm stuck onto bed, they're affected too. Now they're both swimming in a tank of dirty water and their poo-poo, sorry little babies, I'll clean you up today, I promise. You silly girl, you.

I've acted silly, but I know I'm doing it for reasons I don't quite comprehend. Perhaps it's a way of lifting up the feeling, a way of letting go. I once promised to live by positivity, but I did just the opposite. Things will never be better, they will actually get tougher, but it's on me to get better so when the toughest times fall unto me, I'm better prepared. Things will never get better, I will. Things will only get tougher. Keep that in mind.

Someone I love once said, quoted Confucius, glory is not what we achieve most, but how fast we rise up after fall. I wouldn't want another day wasted. The burden of finals is overwhelmingly huge, but I shouldn't be complaining. That's what medics do. A lifelong learning process. One of the things I mentioned during my interview for a place in UCD. Now that I'm finally in UCD, I've forgotten the reason why I'm here.

So, ermm, where do I begin? I shall start with cleaning my goldfishes' tank. And the rest will fall into places inshaAllah.

To you-s, all the best for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. You'll pull through. You guys are smart.


Walrus said...

adekah aku telah melakukan jenayah emsoi terhadap kau???

ika, gd luck. msh ad mase. God wills, inshAllah.

Kodok said...

Salam.. Been there & done that.. Later in life then only i understood.. Hang in there & please keep writing if u have the time.. I love to read your blog..