I hope we crashed and I died.

Khayalan

I am drowning

I jumped into the sea 

Hoping to be free

But there’s an anchor to my ankle

Chaining me to the seabed, as I struggled

I leaped into the sky

Hoping to reach high

But my wings are badly broken

It hurts whenever I try

I walked into a dark tunnel

As shadows of the past chased after me

But a guiding light was there, a miracle

A blessing in disguise

A spark of sunshine in a mundane life otherwise

Once a beautiful ripe apple 

Sparkled on the tallest branch

The little boy reached for it

Happy, as he had the sweetest one

But happiness is fleeting. Temporary

Soon enough he forgets the sweet apple he once had

OT9

28012021

Grip.

My hands are tied

My lips are shut

I woke up at night

Figuring my if-s and but-s

It’s like I’m holding sand in my hand

Gripping ever too tightly

The stronger I grip

The faster it slips

Leaving not even the tiniest bit

My heart is in pain

But my brain says otherwise

Oh the wonder works of God

Who are we to question why

Breaking someone’s trust is like crumping a piece of paper

You can smooth it over

But it can never be the same piece of paper again

So now

We let go

And see what stays

OT9

26/9/2020

A fractured calcaneum.

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Dear oh dear apologies again for this long hiatus, busy with this thing called Life.

A lil update; I moved to another state earlier this year and my new jobscope involves putting people to sleep, making sure they wake up painlessly, and trying not to mess up while doing so.

Anyway this post is to tell y'all a story about my family and a fractured bone.

Late last April my dad fell while climbing a steep tembok and his weight got shifted to his right feet, the impact shattering his right calcaneum (which is basically your heel bone)

(not his xray, but pretty much almost the same)

It was an open comminuted fracture, which means there was an open wound, and the fracture was in pieces (not a simple crack). Dad underwent surgery to fix it, plates and screws put in. Now at post-op almost 3 months, he is partially weight-bearing with the help of crutches and still on leave from his job.

Those who knew my dad would know that he is not the kind who can sit still even for a minute. What we were about to learn when dad fractured his heel is, that he not only broke his bone, he broke all our hearts. My dad is a marathon runner, he cycles more than 10km every week, he gardens everyday, he's in charge of weekly runs to the markets, God knows how much he roams around at work, and his life is always always constantly on the move. 

So you can imagine how difficult it is to see our beloved ever-active daddy confined to the living room with a swollen occasionally uncomfortable foot. My younger brother and I were both not staying close to home so it sucks even more.

These past few months made us realized things we took for granted; namely:

1) How important my dad is in our household. No one to take out the trash, no one to water the plants, no one to run errands, no one to vacuum our carpets and sweep the floors (my dad's a dust OCD) and a whole lot more chores done by dad that we didn't appreciate as much.

2) How important my mom is in our household. Seriously, next to a frustrated husband, my mom is the most awesome wife to have if you ever got sick. When my dad felt helpless with things he couldn't do, my mom fills that void perfectly. She drives my dad everywhere, she took out the trash, she went for groceries on her own, you name it.

3) How dry our bathroom can be. Coz dad was on crutches so it gets dangerous when the bathroom floor is wet and slippery, everyone makes it a point to wipe the floor clean after use. Also how dusty our treadmill can be (coz the one running on it was always Abah. luls)

4) Our family cat Obi is awesome. As if he knows my dad is not well, for the first few days my dad on MC, Obi would linger around the house, as if trying to keep my dad company even though we know he always roams around the neighbourhood when my parents are at work.

5) Priority lanes for wheelchair-bound patients at the pharmacy sometimes wasn't really a priority. One time my parents went for the doctor's appointment and reached the pharmacy to retrieve some meds, the lady said no need to queue coz dad's on a wheelchair. In the end, the wait lasted longer than those in the queue.

6) Taraweeh and Ramadhan this year were different coz my parents couldn't break fast at the mosque like they used to, plus it's easier for dad to taraweeh at home.

Urghh maybe this fracture is a blessing in disguise, for verily with every hardship comes ease. In a way we're fortunate that no other broken bone was involved when dad fell. Also I learned a lot watching how my parents complete each other in their own special way.

To anyone reading this, can you please send in a little prayer so my dad can get back on his feet and to his own active self, marathon-running and all? Thank youuuuu we love you abah! Hang in there!

Freshies.

Assalamualaikum


Today as I walked down the hospital corridor, I passed by a few souls, clearly a newcomer in this harsh world of doctoring. Sparkly white coat, nametag on point, stethoscope around the neck, and above all, a face that screams "help me", "why'd I choose these path", "should I quit" on top of a skinny and exhausted physique, always running, as if chasing time and the unforgiving amount of never-ending workload. Yes, that was me 2 years ago when I first started as a first poster.

Looking back, sometimes it still knocks me into disbelief that I've eventually made it through. I rarely cried, but I gave in at one point after 5 days of tagging, I came home and cried and cried and cried into my husband's arms. The trigger point was simple; it was a patient's relative who scolded me for changing his father's medication dose (he thought he was a smart-ass and that change was not indicated). The breakdown was an accumulative effect; as a fresh doctor I faced a lot of bullying and verbal abuse that week from my superiors but I didn't cry until that one particular trigger. Funny when I looked back, I don't think I'd cry over the same reason now than I did last time.

My dad had to send me daily inspirational quotes to keep motivating me, he's cute like that.

Another time I broke down was in my 2nd year of housemanship. That was merely work-related, when I was at home with my parents and I received a call from a colleague. She questioned me on an unclerked patient presumably because she thinks I was trying to play truant by leaving work early and because she felt burdened by the workload I "purposely" left for her. She called and over the phone yelled at me so unprofessionally, I wanted to fight back but my eyes just welled up with tears of anger.

Imagine you've been doing your job diligently just tryna get through the day unharmed then somebody came along and said this shitty thing about you. It hurts. That day I learned that not everybody can work without being calculative. I became calculative towards her thereafter hahaha kidding

Working temporarily in my current department has made me realized how numb I have become to verbal abuse and sarcasm. If previously my day would be ruined by one simple scolding, now I can refer a case and get a verbal tell-off and can totally shake it off minutes after (although I would recall the story back to my husband with the same amount of annoyance). I realized that in Malaysia, our interdepartmental relationship are no joke. MO from Department A will tell off MO Department B for missing one tiny detail in his/ her referral and MO A would make a big deal out of it. I mean, come on, get over your ego. You're not the only expert in your field. If I get a dengue medical MO to induce and maintain ventilation in GA patient can she do it so perfectly? Seriously get over yourself.

What I'm trying to say is it's okay to break down and cry. Some of the thoughts that stop me from quitting housemanship are; 1) I felt like I've wasted 7 years of grueling medical studies just to leave it hanging halfway incomplete 2) I don't know what else to do other than doctoring, seriously 3) Families, they took so much pride in my job that it feels like a huge letdown if I stopped halfway.

It's been harsh these days, with the contract basis employment. I have a feeling that those malignant superiors will use this contract thingy as an excuse to abuse fresh housemen even more but that's okay, let them be. It'll be tougher but tough times don't last, tough people do.


Random postcall ramblings as usual!
Till then xx

Housemanship: been there done that!

Assalamualaikum. Well hello 2017!


It's been an awfully long while. My last published post was almost a year ago. Actually there were many sudden blogging urge in between, but all of them were either written halfway incomplete or I was just too busy + lazy + tired to proofread and publish.

Oh well, not much happened in between then and now, except for the fact that
I CROSSED THE HOUSEMANSHIP FINISHING LINE UNSCATHED! *cue fireworks*
Alhamdulillah.

You know what they say, what doesn't kill you make you stronger.

Throughout these two years, a lot of things changed and sacrifices made. For instance:

1) Family gatherings. When there is a family function, at first people will ask our parents, "Where are Ika and Ali?".Then the question evolved into "Are they both at work?". Finally no more questions were asked because our absence to any events is by default. When we miraculously find time to attend, people would be surprised by our presence that the first question would be, "Both of you off today?"

2) Friend's weddings. We got married right after graduation so essentially most of our friends attended coz they were all mostly still unemployed. When our friends got married, we missed out on theirs coz we were both either working or our leaves were not enough to cover the travels. I know, it's pretty messed up. Invitations came at first, then it came lesser and lesser coz people stop putting hopes on you turning up.

3) Vocabulary. Oh my poor vocab. I barely read any books and blog these days. My English-speaking abilities has now jumped into the Manglish bandwagon. It's either "I oso dono worr", "he memang like dat wan","uncle u chuan bo" or "aunty vallikida". I know, we blended in pretty well. I can speak minimal 2-word hokkien and tamil now.

4) Health. We both put on unhealthy weight because of all the untimely late-night dinner and junk food. Mostly coz we think we deserved it after starving ourselves while serving the public. Maybe MOship is the time to get back in shape. Seriously guys, my 53 year-old dad's baseline heart rate is 50-55 coz he runs marathon and I get breathless after one freaking flight of stairs, NYHA class 3 right here!

And the list goes on forever.

May this be the start to the return of my blogging saga!
Will write more soon. A bit of word constipation secondary to blogging hiatus.


Till then!

Scars.

Assalamualaikum.

I'm supposed to be studying now but..

Today I was screamed at (rudely) in public.

Maybe because this time it truly wasn't my fault and I entirely could not digest the amount of anger she threw at my face after my one simple polite question. And the one who scolded me was not even from my side of profession, if you know what I mean.

Oh well, it wasn't the first. I've had much worse than that before. Maybe it's just hormonal. But as I walked back from the scene, walking along the hospital corridors, I felt like crying. That feeling when your tears just welled up and you're trying hard not to make it fall down your dehydrated cheeks, it sucks. Also I wouldn't want the public to see a young doctor in scrubs burst into emotional tears as she walked alone.

I silently cursed the person who screamed at me. I felt like punching her in the face. Then as I was fighting back tears, I prayed to God please just make this go away coz I have no time to dwell on my sadness. I was so busy running errands and doing extra-curricular HO jobs until by the end of the day, the anger and sadness just went away.


I prayed that whenever and wherever I would be in the future, that I would never become that person. And may God open her heart to humility and politeness. She just left a huge scar onto my dignity.

Trapped.

Assalamualaikum.


She was forced to cross a hanging wooden bridge, of which beneath is a stream of boiling lava. At one end a fierce-looking lion is roaring at her, she ran forward but was greeted instead by a fire-breathing dragon. She was trapped in between with nowhere to go.

Oh hi. That was me basically describing my job. A house officer- everything you do is always wrong. Even if you do the right thing people will always find another glitch/ mistake of yours to b'tch about.

My goodness. Look at how time flies, my last post was almost 9 months ago.

The past year has taught me a lot. Probably the year of which I had the most human interactions in my whole 25 years of life. Most importantly, I've learned about the kind of boss I won't choose to become, in the future.

Many recent events have made me wonder what put these people to act like they are now. Instilling fear to lower-ranks, pointing fingers to blame, making condescending remarks about other people.. The list goes on.

I'm grateful I was given a chance to discover the darkest side of a profession that the public eyes rarely see- through the ranks of a house officer.

Another great year to learn and grow inshaAllah. Bring it on!

Werkk.

Assalamualaikum and hello world, it's been a while. :)
For the last 2-3months I have been on an emotional and physically draining rollercoaster ride.

Where do I even begin? At this point, I wouldn't say I love my job, nor do I loathe it. This daily routine of going to work was merely an act of responsibility. In the beginning, it was a spirit full of passion. The thought of finally putting 5 years of learning into practicality excites me.

And then things happened. I went through the horrific and infamous tagging period where I slaved from 6am-11pm straight. I worked for 16 hours without lunch or dinner (I lost 3kg in 2 weeks). I missed my prayers a number of times (which I'm not too proud to talk about). I drove to and from work without sunshine. I only spent time with my husband for about one-two hours before I go to sleep. I even postponed my morning nature calls and ended up constipated the whole tagging week.

On the first day of work/tagging, I was called slow and lembab by the specialist. Note that it was my freakin first day but anyway, who cares, you're expected to know eeevvveryyythinggg within your FIRST DAY anyway kan, which was totally normal and acceptable (mata ke atas tangan ke bahu). If let say things are not done the way your superiors want them to be, the golden question will be asked, "you jaga berapa patient eh?" And apparently whatever number you give them will always be replied with,"waaaa banyaknyaaa! Banyakkk oooo?" with a super cynical look followed by the 'during my time' chant.

And then you have this group of superdemanding patients and sadly Malaysia was not too famous for 'please' and 'thank yous'. You'll have relatives or patients who make faces while you tried super hard to get their bloods or put in lines. Makes your day even gloomier when you have these group of people to deal with.

I made some good friends at work, but it didn't stretch beyond Whatsapp groups and daily ward encounters. I've learned that meal times and prayer times are your own call, nobody will tell you to go have lunch or to pray on time, you simply have to run off whenever you got time (should've learned this during my tagging period- I was too scared to leave the ward thinking who'd look after my patients huhu). I've learned the drill of helping people only when they did the same too. I've learned that people can be selfish, and that nobody will fight for you or back you up when things go wrong. I've learned that if you help people too often, people will start taking advantages of you. I've learned to stay low and just make sure my job is done by the end of my shift and go home. I've learned that time is precious, and how much an off day means the world to me.

And above all, I've learned to not seek for other's appreciation and approval (people normally highlight tasks you haven't done instead of tasks you've actually accomplished) and to do things without seeking rewards, and that anything bad that happens in a day either to my patients or myself are also Allah's will.

Negativity aside, there are actually good days I'm thankful for. Fellow colleagues who brightened up your day with silly jokes, who greeted you at the hallway when you're down, days when you have ample time to spend with families, days when all the traffic lights on the way to the hospital are green and you get the best parking spot, days when you have loads of blood-taking to do and all patients have difficult veins but you succeeded with a single puncture on each of them, days when your MO who's on call with you surprisingly reminded you to eat dinner, days when you get to do your first peritoneal tap and it turned out good, days when you can sleep a good few hours while on-call coz there were no unstable patients, days when you have to request many scans from Radiology and a not-so-rude radiologist was in charge (seriously, radiologist are a special group of 'royal' people huhu)

On days like these it's super embarrassing if I didn't say alhamdulillah kan?

There's always a sliver lining. Let's just hope we see it often :)

Happy childhood.

People say you don't get to choose your family, they're God's gifts to you. If that's the case, I must be truly damn lucky and blessed to have a pair of parents who rock. Alhamdulillah.

I had/have a happy childhood. Not once have I ever recalled a period of sadness whenever I went down my own memory lane, coz it was filled with tonnes of happy memories.

My dad grew up without a father figure (grandpa died when dad was 7, grandma never remarried). To think that he was raised singlehandedly by his mom, it was amazing how he turned out to be a great dad. My mom grew up in a small wooden house with 6 younger brothers to care for, her childhood was probably filled with responsibility yet it was amazing how she was able to provide a fun and carefree childhood for each of us.

When these two married and became parents, it was an explosive boomboompow combination. Two great souls who became a team of wonderful parents; My mom and dad.

When I was a child we didn't really have much, we didn't have fancy toys or went on expensive trips abroad but somehow it always feels enough. School holidays are spent at the zoo, in a random museum or simply a fun trip to the theme park. Both of them would ALWAYS make sure our school holidays are fun and exciting. It was never dull with mama abah as parents. Evenings on the weekends are spent by the beach, while my brother and I rollerskated along the pavements, my parents would sit together reading magazines or eating homemade sandwiches. Mornings on weekends would normally be filled with dad's endless physical activities, he would take us hiking or cycling or swimming. 

They subtly cultivated our love for books since we were kids. If ever there were a space in our house that closely resembles 'luxury', it would definitely be our bookshelves, which were filled with books and reading materials, in fact I have a hugeeeee collection of Enid Blyton while my brother used to have a large set of Mr Midnight, thanks to them. Also it was my dad who mailed me my first Harry Potter book as a birthday present while I was in boarding school. Looking back, mama abah had indeed spent a massive amount of money to fund our book collection, what with all the hard-cover books we grabbed at the bookstore without even looking at the price. Amazingly, they did it without a single fuss, in fact with a large encouraging smile. Ahh parents.. :)

Every now and then they would make sure we have plenty of things to do outside school. They enrolled us into the community taekwondo classes, sent us to mengaji sessions, put us through swimming classes, and when swimming classes were over they would find another thing for us to indulge in. After we learned swimming they would take us to the nearby public pool every weekend for us to practice. And then they even placed us in an art class to learn how to paint. The art class was the one I remembered most coz I loveeee drawing and coloring as a kid. My younger sisters get to learn the piano and violin when they grew up. All thanks to our parents.

Looking back, it was never stressful growing up. Yes of course there will be a few scoldings or slight rotan here and there but that was definitely our fault most of the times haha. All extra classes they put us in were actually fun. Sometimes I wonder where they get all those fun parenting ideas. 

Having these two as parents somehow place an invisible pressure on me, as if there would be a high expectation on me when I became one myself. I pray that when my husband and I have our own 'mini us', we would make a great team and raise them the way our parents raised us, so that they are proud to say how awesome their parents were.

We are always grateful on a lot of things in life; our grades, our careers, our houses and cars. Sometimes we forget to be grateful on things that are with us along the way, and that is the blessings of having a pair of amazing parents. Alhamdulillah thank you Allah for giving me them. :)

Of Graduation, Marriage, and Unemployment: Part 3

Assalamualaikumm and hello everyone

So this would most likely be my last update as an unemployed medical graduate. I'm serving the government starting 8th of December, and hello KKM we're still waiting for your love letters? (We haven't received the official letters with regard to our induction venues etc)

Unemployment's been fun, the only thing that sucks is the fact that we have too much time but too little moneyyh. Now that the real job is calling I feel even more lazier to slave my arse off for the government. Also we (the unemployed bunch) haven't been getting enough positive feedback from our fellow comrades who've just started HOship a few months ago. Depressed, starved, verbally abused, merely 2 days-off a month...ermm not exactly an ideal work environment, more like modern day slavery, thanks guys for your very motivating experience!I'm absolutely sure I'll jump into my whining mode soon.

So with regards to the process of applying for HOship yadayadayada, I won't blabber about it here coz there's plenty of blogs explaining all that jazz. Only thing is we recently found out that KKM only offers HO jobs once every two months now, and that also depends on hospital vacancies.

It's scary to think that the last time I ever studied a medical book religiously was in April (7-8months ago) while facing my finals. Although I flipped through a couple of medical books for work's sake, it's still kinda hard to put myself as an HO. Mind you right now it feels like being thrown into university right after UPSR, and I'm no genius. Blerghhh

Let's pray Dr. Ika won't hurt nobody while working, and that all patients and staff nurses are understanding and helpful, and that all my superiors are nice and considerate..oh come on a girl can dream right?

To those starting HOship same as me, good luck guys!

Of Graduation, Marriage and Unemployment: Part 2

Assalamualaikum and helloo.

I know it's a bit overly posey dividing these posts into parts but I sort of wanna group these things together for future reminiscence (puii).

So according to chronological order my wedding comes next, so unemployment can wait. teehee
I hope you can pretend the mushy-mushy parts in this post doesn't come from me thank you.

*cue romantic cheesy music*

Much to our friends' surprise, we got engaged last year on the 10th of August, 3rd of Syawal. It was a small intimate event only attended by close family and family friends of both sides. Since we're both still studying, what more in two different continents, we decided to keep it low and just go about our lives pretty much like we used to before. Plus it's sunat to keep your engagement to yourselves coz it's like a personal period to get to know each other better. Since we spent our engagement away from each other, it's easier to focus on our studies and ditch the overly sweet period people used to associate engagement to. So when people asked if our engagement is true, my then-fiance' did a pretty good job at denying/ avoiding. hahah

We both met in college (KMB) back in 2007 and we're both classmates and mentor-menteemates. I first saw him during our orientation period when we sat in circles with the rest of our classmates and introduced ourselves. I never liked him then, the way he spoke, the way he sat, it was all too overly poyo for me hihiks. Nothing happened during the first year of college, it never went beyond 'just friends', plus he had a special someone back then so whatevs pfftt. We managed a lot of class activities together, we went hiking, island-hopping in Langkawi, later on furthered our studies in Dublin and a lot more fun stuff as a group. We were both so lucky to have the chance to study abroad, nothing widens your horizon more than travelling to places you've never seen before, and we did just that.

2009 Tasik Dayang Bunting, Langkawi. (someone can't swim..guess who haha)

If people asked me who took the first move, it was him. If people wondered when did he propose, it's slightly complicated because he kinda did that on the last day of college (it wasn't the classic 'will you be my wife here's a diamond ring happy tears loud yes' kinda thing but he simply told me to wait after 5 years and a medical degree) and the rest is history. Of course there were ups and downs that were probably worth a novel but nevertheless it brought us to where we are today, and I couldn't have been happier.

It was an elaborate and complicated story to tell, we both saw each other grow up from mere 18-year-olds to the young adults we are today, flawed or not. We've just approached our 2-months milestone (yayy fireworks please!). Marriage opens up a lot more and I learnt a lot everyday as a wife and as a daughter-in-law to a whole new family. We're blessed to have a smooth-sailing journey towards marriage as both our parents are so so supportive and understanding.

Also when you get married you tend to learn a lot from your elders. I noticed I was being super observant when I saw how my cousin's wife treats her in-laws and how they laugh a lot and make jokes at each other like bestfriends, or when my aunt visited my dad's mom-in-law eventhough she's practically not a relative, and a lot more trivial things I wouldn't notice that much when I'm single. I think marriage brings you to adulthood more than anything can, and makes you value the ties your parents have with families and in-laws close and far.

Apart from the heavy responsibilities that come with marriage, it was still the happiest ride so far. Having someone you could trust and love and make fun of is both entertaining and therapeutic in nature, although he yawns when you talk too much hahah

Before I overdosed myself from too much mushiness or before my beloved suami texts me and jokes at my attempt of being romantic, I'll probably stop. Till then, xoxo lovelove muah

Of Graduation, Marriage and Unemployment : Part 1

Assalamualaikum and hello peeps.

Again it's been lightyears since my last update, I literally spent the last half an hour trying to figure out my password to this blog. But hey marriage and graduation are pretty good excuses don't you think. Hehe

Alhamdulillah all praises to Allah, 2014 has unexpectedly been one of the biggest years in my life, especially the last few months in particular. I graduated as a medical doctor on the 5th of June and was blessed with a husband approximately 2 months later (hi-5 girlfriend!). So these two big shiny things that changed my statuses warrant a few mentions in this blog hence this sudden phalangeal urge to dance on the keyboard again.

Graduation

I love how the Irish managed their conferring ceremonies, it was never an elaborate affair for them which was quite the opposite in Malaysia.. My friend's dad who was a lecturer in a local Malaysian university was impressed by how efficient and straightforward the ceremony is. Unlike Malaysia, they don't hold rehearsals and it wasn't like a huge carnival where people sell flowers and graduation teddy bears and such. The ceremony itself was just announcement of names without arranging graduates according to their achievements. It was just a simple and intimate reception attended by families and friends of the graduates from our faculty, followed by a small reception with drinks and tidbits. Conferring for them wasn't a place to show off your achievements, it was merely an event of acknowledgement, much like putting a nice happy ending to our 5 years in  UCD.

We walked to UCD's O'Reilly Hall at 8am (can you imagine? Conferring starts at 11am okay semangat tu nampak) for pictures' sake. Pika and I grabbed our robes and ohmygod that feeling when you put it on, it was a kind of happiness beyond words. Like, "This is it guys, this is the robe I've been dreaming to wear since my first year."  I used to watch my seniors graduate thinking how happy I would be if I get to wear that robe, and there I was, vain and all.

Seeing my parents proud smiles were the highlights of the day. Mama and Abah flew miles and miles from home to see me graduate. They squeeze in what remained of their annual leave (coz they need to save some for their Hajj this month) and spent 10 days in the land I called my second home, together with Makngah Yan (Mama's sis) and Kak Noli (my cousin residing in Ireland). Man I reaalllyy need to find time to write about our awesome trip together.

 My backbones. (Mama really need to practice on her candid laugh pose)

Aaanyways, although my name was slightly mispronounced by our Dean (He said Zur Zulaikha instead of Nur Zulaikha lols), it was a happy 2 seconds on stage. My degree was in Latin which is quite a hassle because I had to pay another 60 euro for an English translation boooo.

Also graduating means I have to say goodbye to Dublin. No more heavy coats to warm myself outdoors, no more checklists of umbrellas, empty bottles (for hygienic toileting outdoors haha), heavily moisturing lip balms and hand creams, travel leapcard before leaving the house. No more checking the weather forecasts EVERYDAY because it kinda affects my choice of outfits. No more Yan telling me off for donning a skirt on a windy day. No more Pika saying I'm crazy for wearing just a blazer on a cold day. No more awesome Internet speed for smooth streaming and downloading. No more squinting through ingredients on packages at the supermarket to look for 'Suitable for Vegetarian' and non-alcoholic food. No more frequent 'Please' and 'Thank you'. No more sneaking clothes into fitting rooms to pray. No more free coffee and scones every evening from clinical conference leftovers. No more checking Dublinbus's Realtime app to make sure I have enough time to pin my scarf.

Ahh.. my 'no-mores' can go on forever. But ending a chapter in your life means starting a new one. I had no regrets, medical school by far is the witness to my growing up and  had definitely toughened me up a bit. It was in that moment that I realize it has come to an end. Friends who were by my side will soon partake their own journey as a doctor, and we won't be seeing each other as much as we used to. Probably even once or twice a year when someone gets married or have a baby sobs.

Pika's fake-laugh pose + Yan's batman attempt + Akem's retarded face (totally normal guys)

It's time to let go of my student status. Thank you to those who have been ardently praying for our success.

To build suspense I'll continue my marriage story and everything else I deemed important in my next post (padahal pemalas)

muah muah xoxo,
Wife and Doctor Ika

Doctor.

Assalamualaikum.

Up to this point it was all too surreal.

Alhamdulillah thank you everyone for your sincere prayers, my five years of medical school ended with a heartfelt gratitude and huge relief last Thursday. I haven't felt such sense of accomplishment in a very long time, almost like a little baby hitting her first developmental milestone. Allah has been so so generous with me sometimes I feel embarrassed thinking what I gave Him in return.

Thursday the 1st of May sent me into two extremes of emotions, at one end I was at the verge of tears in front of my examiners, determined that I had to repeat my long case, but by the end of the day I was jumping in tears, blessed with a thing I've been longing for.

I think this day deserves to be painted into this blog. A day I will remember for a very long time.


How Thursday, 1st of May 2014 changed my life forever:

12am
Went to sleep with a million things running through my little memory box, I couldn't sleep but I had to. Every time I shut my eyes I remembered a topic I haven't read or a chapter I haven't finished. It was disturbing.

3.30am
Subuh was at 4am. Woke up with a sudden adrenaline rush, knowing my final exam as a medical student is in less than 5 hours. Flipped through random notes, hoping my last minute effort will still count.

7.15am
Cycled through the light rain to the hospital. Numb from anxiety and sleep deprivation.

7.45am
Everyone gathered. Instructions given and phones taken. At this point I merely stared into blank spaces leaving everything in the hands of Allah. I was told I was in the last group to go. So I waited and felt a tension headache developing around my head.

9.30am
Called to get ready. Stethoscope checked, patella hammer, tuning forks, pen torch, notepad all checked. My white coat was literally loaded with tools, much like the pocket of doraemon. I was assigned to a lady in L***'s ward. I knew by heart that the ward was for respiratory/MedEl patients.

9.40am
Escorted to my patient, Mrs X, an 80-plus years old lady. Alhamdulillah the patient was extremely pleasant and helpful.

9.50am
History-taking went smoothly for the first 10 minutes, until she said, "I'm so sorry I'm gonna have to leave you for a minute, the medication I took last night is really working well, I need to go to the loo..." with an apologetic face. She struggled with her walking stick, taking small steps to the bathroom. I assured her that she can take her time as long as she's comfortable.

10.00am
She was still in the bathroom, I was back to my nervous state again knowing I only have 40 minutes with my patient before the examiners came, and I've now lost a good 10 minutes. Mrs X came back apologizing for taking away my time, and determined to tell the examiners later that I was short of 10 precious minutes.

10.10am
Mrs X's symptoms were a mixture of ambiguity and broad possibilities, she simply said she had "fibrosis". She came in with shortness of breath and night sweats, I was thinking along the lines of a respiratory case. I examined her, and heard a really loud murmur with an irregularly irregular pulse. "Mitral regurg and Afib," I thought. But none of her medications were treating those two. I panicked to the point that I had to listen to her heart a couple times. "I'm so sorry but can I just have another listen to your heart one last time.." Being the lovely person she is, she understandingly obliged to my every request without a fuss. Bless her.

10.20am
I was confused. My thoughts went from cancer, to fibrosis, to pneumonia, to God-knows-what. It was really cute seeing how nervous she is on behalf of myself, reminding me a million times that I'll do well.
"Oh by the way I think they mentioned a faulty valve in my scan yesterday," Mrs X said, trying to help me out. I dismissed the 'faulty valve' as something overlapping my respiratory differentials, and merely reflect the mitral regurg she had, and begin organizing my thoughts. At this point both my examiners were late by 10 minutes. Alhamdulillah for the extra time, again Allah is indeed the best planner.

10.30am
They finally arrived. Two sharp-looking superiors/consultants, I knew one examiner from my GP rotation, the other was a lady from my viva the day before (my horrible viva is a whole other story, which I won't dwell on now, except for the fact that the very same lady crushed my knowledge and confidence into a pulp of stupidity during my viva). You can imagine how anxious I am to be presenting to the exact same examiner again.

10.40am
I finished presenting Mrs X's history to my examiners. The lady paused for a moment, looking confused and coldly said, "Hmm, that's quite a broad differentials you gave us.." and she spent the next 10 minutes doubting my diagnosis and trying to get me to think of the exact problem that Mrs X had. She asked difficult questions, gave out confusing hints, until I finally came to my senses and said, "Infective endocarditis," with a silent "omg how can I not think of that.." in my head. Only God knows how low I felt at that moment, my eyes almost teared up but I know I need to buckle up for the next drill of questions from the second examiner. Alhamdulillah the second set of Q&A went well, I remembered each and every bit of acute AFib management (since Mrs X has AFib) from our study group discussion the day before (thanks guys love youss).

11.10am
My final exam wrapped up with a simple nod from my examiners and I was done. I shook hands with Mrs X, at which point my eyes swelled up again as I bid goodbye. This is a lady who came in thinking she was dying, and said she'd be happy to go as God had blessed her with a wonderful family and a blissful life. Such a lovely lady. I spent a few minutes thanking her for all the things she helped me with, realizing that she is my last patient as a medical student.

I looked at my watch and realized my long case exam went over the time limit. A 15-minute Q&A session ended up with a 30-minute torture. I suppose the intern who accompanied me to the ward was right, he said "the last person always has extra time but the session with the examiners will always be a bit longer". I almost choked for freedom as I left the ward. I arrived to our quarantine hall only to find my bag was what's left in the empty hall. Everyone else left, and I was indeed the last student.

11.15am
I went to the prayer room and met Pika. We exchanged our long case details, both worried of what tomorrow may hold. Some of our classmates were celebrating with champagne outside the hospital, some even went straight to the pub, while I cycled home full of anxiety and uncertainty. We were told to wait for an email confirming that we passed and do not have to resit the next day, by 6pm today. The next 6 hours were one of the most difficult wait in my life. These 6 hours hold the answer to my prayers.

2.50pm
Woke up from a long afternoon nap to brush off my disappointment from my long case that morning. Instead of feeling refreshed, I was exhausted and nervous at the same time. Whatsapped Mama, to ease my worry and asked for a little doa.

4.00pm
I went to Yan's room finding Suha and Ecah together. We sat and talked but I know deep within everyone was anxious about the email.

5.00pm
Pika barged into the room, and gave us the look that tells "The email is out." Everyone urgently grabbed their phones and ipads and within minutes, one by one showed a smile of relief, a smile of accomplishment. We group-hugged and in that instance, everyone was sobbing uncontrollably. It was a moment I would remember forever, because only we know how hard it was to get to this point. It was emotional, it was intense, it was surreal. We are finally, doctors. Sujud syukur alhamdulillah. There were happy tears everywhere.


I immediately called Mama and Abah, although they were groggily woken up from their slumber, I just had to share the good news.

Looking back, it was amazing how Allah put us through hardships to give us a sweet little ending. Five years went by so very quickly, and I still wonder how I passed the finishing line.

I still think about why my examiner did not fail me, and how it was not all about getting the one right diagnosis but the whole case was judged by the way we approached it, from history to physical examinations.

Within 24 hours, I went from really sad to extremely happy I felt like I could cartwheel around the globe. SubhanAllah, Allahuakbar. All praise to Him.


I've been waiting to add these alphabets to my name since 5 years ago, and I'm finally allowed to, so...

Dr Nur Zulaikha Zainol MB Bch BAO, University College Dublin.

Here's to many more alphabets inshaAllah! ;)

Alhamdulillah.

Ending.

Assalamualaikum.

From this point onward, this blog will be flooded with sad sappy posts from a girl/lady trying to let go of her carefree student life and move on to another phase of life.

This will probably be my last post as an undergrad. Next week hopefully I'll be posting as someone new, inshaAllah :)

These past few days were mere reminiscence of memories; every route we take to the hospital, every conversation over free coffee and scones, every bus rides, every lunch session, every glimpse of familiar wards-- all of them reminded us that we're that close to the finishing line.

Every day we talked about how we won't be seeing each other as much come July, how we'll all go our separate ways, how we'll meet again in some random medical conference in 10 years' time, yet still connected to the same memories of 5 years we shared together, memories that will last a lifetime.

To these people (specifically the 8 makciks and one pakcik) you guys know who you are.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

How very true.

My patient patient.

In a mundane hospital ward
I sat by the window
On my creaking bed
In came a young lady,
In a blue blouse, a stethoscope and a note pad.

"Hello Ma'am, how are you?" she said.
Another medical student, I thought.
A smile so eager, eyes so bright
"Feeling much better today," I replied.

I've had a few of those blessed young souls,
Fervently seeking a piece of my story,
Some a little shy, some downright bold,
The chat we had, kept me company.

Questions asked, answers replied,
"Any chest pain?" "Have you diabetes?"
Answers of which I almost memorized.

I never said no, I never refused
For deep down, I knew
My story is put to good use.

They'll learn, they'll make great doctors, I thought.
With a smile as sweet, heart as warm,
In my weakened health of an 80-year-old, their help, I sought.

"Thank you very much for helping us out," said the young lady, feeling sorry,
"I'm sorry we've been bugging you with the same questions everyday."

The pleasure was all mine indeed.

...

In a mundane hospital ward
I peeked nervously yet hopeful
Searching for a willing patient
A story, to learn, and gain a thing or two.

Patient A looked away,
Avoiding my expectant gaze,
Patient B refused, for she had a few students before me,
There she was, patient C,
Sitting by the bedside, with a welcoming face.

The questions I asked
Were the same thing she's heard a trillion times
By ten different students, almost like a task
But there she was,
Her sweet little self, patient and polite
An exhausted smile, making my stressful day bright.

Whenever I looked back,
From the start of my journey
It is not only Allah, my mom or my dad
It is this group of people I call "patients"
That made this journey even more special.

Every murmur I heard
Every stoma I saw
Every surgery I learnt
Every cannula I failed
It was all thanks to them.

A patient group of people I call "patients."

Alhamdulillah.

The mother of all finals is just 14 days away. Doakan :)

How I fell in love with HIMYM.

I know this sounded pretty silly and most of you won't get it but 'How I Met Your Mother' ended today and it really hit me. I have been ardently following the series since Season 1, and it has been 9 years since then, how can you not be affected? aaaa.

I'd probably look like just any over-obsessive fan of any fictional TV series but HIMYM is different. The wit, the friendship, the love, it's just blerghhh beyond words (if you put aside all the unnecessary dirty jokes etc)

The Mother died. It just broke my heart (although it was predicted from a preceding episode). From the moment Ted saw his future wife, till the moment he got married, he was head over heels in love with the mother. I could never forget how Ted clenched his chest in awe as he saw his bride in her wedding dress. Full of love.

The way Barney and Robin look at each other on their wedding day.
The way Ted said goodbye to his friends before his big move to Chicago.
The way Barney held his newborn daughter for the first time and cried.
The way Ted treasured all the lessons from every little fight, every sleepy Sundays, every Christmas mornings he spent with his wife.
The way Tracy cheekily replied yes a few times before Ted finishes his second proposal speech.
The way Ted held Tracy's hand by the bedside when she was sick.

The way the 'gang' drifted apart as they grew older, developing families and careers, and still promise to be there for each other during the 'big moments'.

Although I'd rather the story ended differently, I guess a little twist will always caught us by surprise.

It was all too perfect. Of course it's fictional, but who cares, it's still perfect to me. I'm a hopeless romantic. sigh

The last hug before Ted 'moves to Chicago'.

Thank you fictional characters, you guys are awesome.

Habits

Assalamualaikum. Hello.

I'm leaving medical school in a few weeks (phew can you imagine??! tummy butterflies!) Nothing crosses my mind more often than the thought of how lacking I am in terms of competency and knowledge, especially when you sit in a class full of people who smoothly gave away perfect answers to medical questions, and you're just sitting there wondering what the heck is going on.

Ahh habits. With 42 days remaining before finals, maybe it's too late to start a new studying habit. But I'm desperate coz I have none at the moment.

People say 30 days are all you need to make a habit automatic. Which means I still have time. Bahaha who am I kidding.

At this point, I think I could actually use stupidity as a push. Like you don't like feeling unresourceful and ignorant and (pardon me) stupid, so you have to work your socks off to make yourself smarter. In 42 days.

"Bila kamu tak tahan lelahnya belajar, maka kamu akan menanggung peritnya kebodohan." - Imam Syafi'e.

Sleepless night.

Assalamualaikum and hello.

This post is overdue but I feel like writing anyway before I hit the sack.

I was oncall last week, working with the medical intern (let's name him SB) from 8pm-6am. I arrived around 7.30pm, changed into scrubs, and went to the doctors' room to meet SB. Another fellow medical intern oncall was there so we planned our 'route' for the night, delegating which wards to go etc. There were only two medical intern oncall per night, and trust me, the amount of workload divided between these two poor souls are beyond absurd.

SB was always busy attending patients and charting medications. So I was the one responsible to answer the bleeps. The moment I clipped it onto my pocket, it went off crazily, almost every minute.

"This is Nur, I'm calling on behalf of the medical intern on-call. Any help needed?" was my default answer everytime. And I would list down all the pending tasks for SB to prioritize.

It basically went like, "St James' ward- temperature spike", "St Luke's ward- need cannula for antibiotics", "St Paul's- patient is confused and verbally abusive."

It went on and on and on the whole night, probably with a few pauses for a drink to prevent us from dehydrating.

On one instance, SB was handling a catheter when the bleep went off. I picked up and it says, "Doctor, this patient in ward X has vomited three times, could you please come down to chart for antiemetics (anti-vomit drugs)?"

"Ok we'll try our best and reach you shortly thanks" was my answer, although I knew very well that we wouldn't make it anytime soon as there were other patients who needed urgent review.

We went off to see other patients when the bleep rang again. I answered, and it was the same nurse who called regarding the vomiting gentleman. "I bleeped you earlier, this patient is vomiting now we need to give him something, come down, right now!" And she hang up without a word, sounding pretty annoyed, which is totally understandable as she was worried.

That was basically the whole night, annoyed carers or nurses who needed urgent help but we couldn't do much as our hands were full all the time. I can see how hard SB was working to fulfill everyone's demand. We kept saying sorry on the bleeps to let them know we're not ignoring their requests.

Imagine at 4am in the morning, a bleep came with regards to a patient who had severe headache. We went to see her and SB did a full neuro exam (poking the upper and lower limbs etc), to which the patient irritably replied, "Doctor, is this really necessary? I only have a headache."

huhu. Penat + sangat menguji kesabaran. Also shows how much good deeds you can gain if every intention to help people were set right. It was a really good experience, I definitely learned a lot.

p/s: My first cannulation on an old lady with poor intravenous access at 3am in the morning went unexpectedly well, here's to many more successful cannulation! #lol

Laughters

Assalamualaikum and hello.

I'm on my last few days of sub-interning, yay! (Sub-interning basically means shadowing an intern, go wherever he/she goes, do whatever he/she does, learn the bits and pieces of actually being a real doctor)

It was so much fun. All this while, whenever I'm on rotations in hospitals I would always see busy interns (houseman) running errands, making calls, endlessly writing on medical charts. Two weeks of subinternship have actually cleared things up a bit, like why do they always appear busy and what they actually write on the charts everyday. They are actually very busy now I get it.

Alhamdulillah I was placed with two extremely amazing interns, very welcoming and helpful in so many ways. The first one was a surgical intern so I get to do a lot of post-op reviews and pre-op checklists. Sometimes he made me run off to faraway radiology department to get a few forms (buli sgt ok) but it's okay coz I like feeling important hahah.

This week was spent with a medical intern, and apparently we had to deal with a lot of social work stuff coz most patients are from nursing homes or need convalescent care. Most of the times with him are either spent by the computer (ordering scans) or by the phone (bleeping the social worker) or by the bed (talking to confused patients).

I personally like working as a surgical intern but I think this week was much more amusing coz I get to work with the rest of the team. They had two other interns and it was never monotonous, they were laughing and cracking jokes all the time (well not in the middle of seeing patients of course).

Me: Oh look Mrs X is a 100 years old this year
Intern 1: Impressive!
Intern 2: Oh my god that equals two World Wars.  

My intern was telling me about his trip to Penang on free flight tickets and hotels coz his dad attended the international gastroenterology conference there (his dad is a consultant).

Intern: I was sitting in the plane full of gastroenterologists thinking, man if this plane crashed, every constipated person in the world would be really sad.