Of Graduation, Marriage and Unemployment : Part 1

Assalamualaikum and hello peeps.

Again it's been lightyears since my last update, I literally spent the last half an hour trying to figure out my password to this blog. But hey marriage and graduation are pretty good excuses don't you think. Hehe

Alhamdulillah all praises to Allah, 2014 has unexpectedly been one of the biggest years in my life, especially the last few months in particular. I graduated as a medical doctor on the 5th of June and was blessed with a husband approximately 2 months later (hi-5 girlfriend!). So these two big shiny things that changed my statuses warrant a few mentions in this blog hence this sudden phalangeal urge to dance on the keyboard again.

Graduation

I love how the Irish managed their conferring ceremonies, it was never an elaborate affair for them which was quite the opposite in Malaysia.. My friend's dad who was a lecturer in a local Malaysian university was impressed by how efficient and straightforward the ceremony is. Unlike Malaysia, they don't hold rehearsals and it wasn't like a huge carnival where people sell flowers and graduation teddy bears and such. The ceremony itself was just announcement of names without arranging graduates according to their achievements. It was just a simple and intimate reception attended by families and friends of the graduates from our faculty, followed by a small reception with drinks and tidbits. Conferring for them wasn't a place to show off your achievements, it was merely an event of acknowledgement, much like putting a nice happy ending to our 5 years in  UCD.

We walked to UCD's O'Reilly Hall at 8am (can you imagine? Conferring starts at 11am okay semangat tu nampak) for pictures' sake. Pika and I grabbed our robes and ohmygod that feeling when you put it on, it was a kind of happiness beyond words. Like, "This is it guys, this is the robe I've been dreaming to wear since my first year."  I used to watch my seniors graduate thinking how happy I would be if I get to wear that robe, and there I was, vain and all.

Seeing my parents proud smiles were the highlights of the day. Mama and Abah flew miles and miles from home to see me graduate. They squeeze in what remained of their annual leave (coz they need to save some for their Hajj this month) and spent 10 days in the land I called my second home, together with Makngah Yan (Mama's sis) and Kak Noli (my cousin residing in Ireland). Man I reaalllyy need to find time to write about our awesome trip together.

 My backbones. (Mama really need to practice on her candid laugh pose)

Aaanyways, although my name was slightly mispronounced by our Dean (He said Zur Zulaikha instead of Nur Zulaikha lols), it was a happy 2 seconds on stage. My degree was in Latin which is quite a hassle because I had to pay another 60 euro for an English translation boooo.

Also graduating means I have to say goodbye to Dublin. No more heavy coats to warm myself outdoors, no more checklists of umbrellas, empty bottles (for hygienic toileting outdoors haha), heavily moisturing lip balms and hand creams, travel leapcard before leaving the house. No more checking the weather forecasts EVERYDAY because it kinda affects my choice of outfits. No more Yan telling me off for donning a skirt on a windy day. No more Pika saying I'm crazy for wearing just a blazer on a cold day. No more awesome Internet speed for smooth streaming and downloading. No more squinting through ingredients on packages at the supermarket to look for 'Suitable for Vegetarian' and non-alcoholic food. No more frequent 'Please' and 'Thank you'. No more sneaking clothes into fitting rooms to pray. No more free coffee and scones every evening from clinical conference leftovers. No more checking Dublinbus's Realtime app to make sure I have enough time to pin my scarf.

Ahh.. my 'no-mores' can go on forever. But ending a chapter in your life means starting a new one. I had no regrets, medical school by far is the witness to my growing up and  had definitely toughened me up a bit. It was in that moment that I realize it has come to an end. Friends who were by my side will soon partake their own journey as a doctor, and we won't be seeing each other as much as we used to. Probably even once or twice a year when someone gets married or have a baby sobs.

Pika's fake-laugh pose + Yan's batman attempt + Akem's retarded face (totally normal guys)

It's time to let go of my student status. Thank you to those who have been ardently praying for our success.

To build suspense I'll continue my marriage story and everything else I deemed important in my next post (padahal pemalas)

muah muah xoxo,
Wife and Doctor Ika

Doctor.

Assalamualaikum.

Up to this point it was all too surreal.

Alhamdulillah thank you everyone for your sincere prayers, my five years of medical school ended with a heartfelt gratitude and huge relief last Thursday. I haven't felt such sense of accomplishment in a very long time, almost like a little baby hitting her first developmental milestone. Allah has been so so generous with me sometimes I feel embarrassed thinking what I gave Him in return.

Thursday the 1st of May sent me into two extremes of emotions, at one end I was at the verge of tears in front of my examiners, determined that I had to repeat my long case, but by the end of the day I was jumping in tears, blessed with a thing I've been longing for.

I think this day deserves to be painted into this blog. A day I will remember for a very long time.


How Thursday, 1st of May 2014 changed my life forever:

12am
Went to sleep with a million things running through my little memory box, I couldn't sleep but I had to. Every time I shut my eyes I remembered a topic I haven't read or a chapter I haven't finished. It was disturbing.

3.30am
Subuh was at 4am. Woke up with a sudden adrenaline rush, knowing my final exam as a medical student is in less than 5 hours. Flipped through random notes, hoping my last minute effort will still count.

7.15am
Cycled through the light rain to the hospital. Numb from anxiety and sleep deprivation.

7.45am
Everyone gathered. Instructions given and phones taken. At this point I merely stared into blank spaces leaving everything in the hands of Allah. I was told I was in the last group to go. So I waited and felt a tension headache developing around my head.

9.30am
Called to get ready. Stethoscope checked, patella hammer, tuning forks, pen torch, notepad all checked. My white coat was literally loaded with tools, much like the pocket of doraemon. I was assigned to a lady in L***'s ward. I knew by heart that the ward was for respiratory/MedEl patients.

9.40am
Escorted to my patient, Mrs X, an 80-plus years old lady. Alhamdulillah the patient was extremely pleasant and helpful.

9.50am
History-taking went smoothly for the first 10 minutes, until she said, "I'm so sorry I'm gonna have to leave you for a minute, the medication I took last night is really working well, I need to go to the loo..." with an apologetic face. She struggled with her walking stick, taking small steps to the bathroom. I assured her that she can take her time as long as she's comfortable.

10.00am
She was still in the bathroom, I was back to my nervous state again knowing I only have 40 minutes with my patient before the examiners came, and I've now lost a good 10 minutes. Mrs X came back apologizing for taking away my time, and determined to tell the examiners later that I was short of 10 precious minutes.

10.10am
Mrs X's symptoms were a mixture of ambiguity and broad possibilities, she simply said she had "fibrosis". She came in with shortness of breath and night sweats, I was thinking along the lines of a respiratory case. I examined her, and heard a really loud murmur with an irregularly irregular pulse. "Mitral regurg and Afib," I thought. But none of her medications were treating those two. I panicked to the point that I had to listen to her heart a couple times. "I'm so sorry but can I just have another listen to your heart one last time.." Being the lovely person she is, she understandingly obliged to my every request without a fuss. Bless her.

10.20am
I was confused. My thoughts went from cancer, to fibrosis, to pneumonia, to God-knows-what. It was really cute seeing how nervous she is on behalf of myself, reminding me a million times that I'll do well.
"Oh by the way I think they mentioned a faulty valve in my scan yesterday," Mrs X said, trying to help me out. I dismissed the 'faulty valve' as something overlapping my respiratory differentials, and merely reflect the mitral regurg she had, and begin organizing my thoughts. At this point both my examiners were late by 10 minutes. Alhamdulillah for the extra time, again Allah is indeed the best planner.

10.30am
They finally arrived. Two sharp-looking superiors/consultants, I knew one examiner from my GP rotation, the other was a lady from my viva the day before (my horrible viva is a whole other story, which I won't dwell on now, except for the fact that the very same lady crushed my knowledge and confidence into a pulp of stupidity during my viva). You can imagine how anxious I am to be presenting to the exact same examiner again.

10.40am
I finished presenting Mrs X's history to my examiners. The lady paused for a moment, looking confused and coldly said, "Hmm, that's quite a broad differentials you gave us.." and she spent the next 10 minutes doubting my diagnosis and trying to get me to think of the exact problem that Mrs X had. She asked difficult questions, gave out confusing hints, until I finally came to my senses and said, "Infective endocarditis," with a silent "omg how can I not think of that.." in my head. Only God knows how low I felt at that moment, my eyes almost teared up but I know I need to buckle up for the next drill of questions from the second examiner. Alhamdulillah the second set of Q&A went well, I remembered each and every bit of acute AFib management (since Mrs X has AFib) from our study group discussion the day before (thanks guys love youss).

11.10am
My final exam wrapped up with a simple nod from my examiners and I was done. I shook hands with Mrs X, at which point my eyes swelled up again as I bid goodbye. This is a lady who came in thinking she was dying, and said she'd be happy to go as God had blessed her with a wonderful family and a blissful life. Such a lovely lady. I spent a few minutes thanking her for all the things she helped me with, realizing that she is my last patient as a medical student.

I looked at my watch and realized my long case exam went over the time limit. A 15-minute Q&A session ended up with a 30-minute torture. I suppose the intern who accompanied me to the ward was right, he said "the last person always has extra time but the session with the examiners will always be a bit longer". I almost choked for freedom as I left the ward. I arrived to our quarantine hall only to find my bag was what's left in the empty hall. Everyone else left, and I was indeed the last student.

11.15am
I went to the prayer room and met Pika. We exchanged our long case details, both worried of what tomorrow may hold. Some of our classmates were celebrating with champagne outside the hospital, some even went straight to the pub, while I cycled home full of anxiety and uncertainty. We were told to wait for an email confirming that we passed and do not have to resit the next day, by 6pm today. The next 6 hours were one of the most difficult wait in my life. These 6 hours hold the answer to my prayers.

2.50pm
Woke up from a long afternoon nap to brush off my disappointment from my long case that morning. Instead of feeling refreshed, I was exhausted and nervous at the same time. Whatsapped Mama, to ease my worry and asked for a little doa.

4.00pm
I went to Yan's room finding Suha and Ecah together. We sat and talked but I know deep within everyone was anxious about the email.

5.00pm
Pika barged into the room, and gave us the look that tells "The email is out." Everyone urgently grabbed their phones and ipads and within minutes, one by one showed a smile of relief, a smile of accomplishment. We group-hugged and in that instance, everyone was sobbing uncontrollably. It was a moment I would remember forever, because only we know how hard it was to get to this point. It was emotional, it was intense, it was surreal. We are finally, doctors. Sujud syukur alhamdulillah. There were happy tears everywhere.


I immediately called Mama and Abah, although they were groggily woken up from their slumber, I just had to share the good news.

Looking back, it was amazing how Allah put us through hardships to give us a sweet little ending. Five years went by so very quickly, and I still wonder how I passed the finishing line.

I still think about why my examiner did not fail me, and how it was not all about getting the one right diagnosis but the whole case was judged by the way we approached it, from history to physical examinations.

Within 24 hours, I went from really sad to extremely happy I felt like I could cartwheel around the globe. SubhanAllah, Allahuakbar. All praise to Him.


I've been waiting to add these alphabets to my name since 5 years ago, and I'm finally allowed to, so...

Dr Nur Zulaikha Zainol MB Bch BAO, University College Dublin.

Here's to many more alphabets inshaAllah! ;)

Alhamdulillah.

My patient patient.

In a mundane hospital ward
I sat by the window
On my creaking bed
In came a young lady,
In a blue blouse, a stethoscope and a note pad.

"Hello Ma'am, how are you?" she said.
Another medical student, I thought.
A smile so eager, eyes so bright
"Feeling much better today," I replied.

I've had a few of those blessed young souls,
Fervently seeking a piece of my story,
Some a little shy, some downright bold,
The chat we had, kept me company.

Questions asked, answers replied,
"Any chest pain?" "Have you diabetes?"
Answers of which I almost memorized.

I never said no, I never refused
For deep down, I knew
My story is put to good use.

They'll learn, they'll make great doctors, I thought.
With a smile as sweet, heart as warm,
In my weakened health of an 80-year-old, their help, I sought.

"Thank you very much for helping us out," said the young lady, feeling sorry,
"I'm sorry we've been bugging you with the same questions everyday."

The pleasure was all mine indeed.

...

In a mundane hospital ward
I peeked nervously yet hopeful
Searching for a willing patient
A story, to learn, and gain a thing or two.

Patient A looked away,
Avoiding my expectant gaze,
Patient B refused, for she had a few students before me,
There she was, patient C,
Sitting by the bedside, with a welcoming face.

The questions I asked
Were the same thing she's heard a trillion times
By ten different students, almost like a task
But there she was,
Her sweet little self, patient and polite
An exhausted smile, making my stressful day bright.

Whenever I looked back,
From the start of my journey
It is not only Allah, my mom or my dad
It is this group of people I call "patients"
That made this journey even more special.

Every murmur I heard
Every stoma I saw
Every surgery I learnt
Every cannula I failed
It was all thanks to them.

A patient group of people I call "patients."

Alhamdulillah.

The mother of all finals is just 14 days away. Doakan :)

Sleepless night.

Assalamualaikum and hello.

This post is overdue but I feel like writing anyway before I hit the sack.

I was oncall last week, working with the medical intern (let's name him SB) from 8pm-6am. I arrived around 7.30pm, changed into scrubs, and went to the doctors' room to meet SB. Another fellow medical intern oncall was there so we planned our 'route' for the night, delegating which wards to go etc. There were only two medical intern oncall per night, and trust me, the amount of workload divided between these two poor souls are beyond absurd.

SB was always busy attending patients and charting medications. So I was the one responsible to answer the bleeps. The moment I clipped it onto my pocket, it went off crazily, almost every minute.

"This is Nur, I'm calling on behalf of the medical intern on-call. Any help needed?" was my default answer everytime. And I would list down all the pending tasks for SB to prioritize.

It basically went like, "St James' ward- temperature spike", "St Luke's ward- need cannula for antibiotics", "St Paul's- patient is confused and verbally abusive."

It went on and on and on the whole night, probably with a few pauses for a drink to prevent us from dehydrating.

On one instance, SB was handling a catheter when the bleep went off. I picked up and it says, "Doctor, this patient in ward X has vomited three times, could you please come down to chart for antiemetics (anti-vomit drugs)?"

"Ok we'll try our best and reach you shortly thanks" was my answer, although I knew very well that we wouldn't make it anytime soon as there were other patients who needed urgent review.

We went off to see other patients when the bleep rang again. I answered, and it was the same nurse who called regarding the vomiting gentleman. "I bleeped you earlier, this patient is vomiting now we need to give him something, come down, right now!" And she hang up without a word, sounding pretty annoyed, which is totally understandable as she was worried.

That was basically the whole night, annoyed carers or nurses who needed urgent help but we couldn't do much as our hands were full all the time. I can see how hard SB was working to fulfill everyone's demand. We kept saying sorry on the bleeps to let them know we're not ignoring their requests.

Imagine at 4am in the morning, a bleep came with regards to a patient who had severe headache. We went to see her and SB did a full neuro exam (poking the upper and lower limbs etc), to which the patient irritably replied, "Doctor, is this really necessary? I only have a headache."

huhu. Penat + sangat menguji kesabaran. Also shows how much good deeds you can gain if every intention to help people were set right. It was a really good experience, I definitely learned a lot.

p/s: My first cannulation on an old lady with poor intravenous access at 3am in the morning went unexpectedly well, here's to many more successful cannulation! #lol

Laughters

Assalamualaikum and hello.

I'm on my last few days of sub-interning, yay! (Sub-interning basically means shadowing an intern, go wherever he/she goes, do whatever he/she does, learn the bits and pieces of actually being a real doctor)

It was so much fun. All this while, whenever I'm on rotations in hospitals I would always see busy interns (houseman) running errands, making calls, endlessly writing on medical charts. Two weeks of subinternship have actually cleared things up a bit, like why do they always appear busy and what they actually write on the charts everyday. They are actually very busy now I get it.

Alhamdulillah I was placed with two extremely amazing interns, very welcoming and helpful in so many ways. The first one was a surgical intern so I get to do a lot of post-op reviews and pre-op checklists. Sometimes he made me run off to faraway radiology department to get a few forms (buli sgt ok) but it's okay coz I like feeling important hahah.

This week was spent with a medical intern, and apparently we had to deal with a lot of social work stuff coz most patients are from nursing homes or need convalescent care. Most of the times with him are either spent by the computer (ordering scans) or by the phone (bleeping the social worker) or by the bed (talking to confused patients).

I personally like working as a surgical intern but I think this week was much more amusing coz I get to work with the rest of the team. They had two other interns and it was never monotonous, they were laughing and cracking jokes all the time (well not in the middle of seeing patients of course).

Me: Oh look Mrs X is a 100 years old this year
Intern 1: Impressive!
Intern 2: Oh my god that equals two World Wars.  

My intern was telling me about his trip to Penang on free flight tickets and hotels coz his dad attended the international gastroenterology conference there (his dad is a consultant).

Intern: I was sitting in the plane full of gastroenterologists thinking, man if this plane crashed, every constipated person in the world would be really sad.

Difficult.

Assalamualaikum and helloo.

Sooo.... it's November and I haven't written anything since forever. Not only had this blog gone abandoned, my brain's writing centre had gone rusty too. October flew by so quickly, which means I have safely turned 23, alhamdulillah. The Hijri calendar is starting a new year tomorrow so you can consider this my 'end-of-hijri-year' post lols.

My final specialty exams for Paediatrics and Obstetrics+Gynae are just around the corner, (when I say around the corner, it's really that close you can see 'em coming after the traffic light seriously if you divide the time I have by the amount of reading we all have to do)

Sometimes with all this exams, and endless whining we put on facebook or on the phone with loved ones about how difficult life is blabla, I wonder how non-medic people perceive it. If I'm in some lucky non-medic shoes, I would definitely think 'seriously dude other courses are difficult too don't pretend like you're so busy you're not the only one suffering so build a bridge and get over it ughh'.

But then again, you can't blame them for thinking so. No one can understand your definition of difficult in Medicine unless they face it themselves. I don't understand how difficult are accountancy or economics or engineering either.

So what is so tough about being a medical student? What makes us so busy that our social lives sometimes only revolve around grocery-shopping on weekends? (from a below-average medical student's point of view)

Time. The way my university arranges our clinical modules is that we have exams every end of rotations (eg medicine, surgery, o&g, paeds, psychiatry). Sometimes we have 6 weeks for each rotation to cover everything under the sun and tadaaaa, "here have a delightful exam without any study week". So it's like you're asked to cook a set of nasi briyani from scratch in 5 minutes but at the end of 5 minutes you only get as far as straining the rice under tap water. Tak sempattt.

Exhaustion. Everyday of the week you had to go to the hospital and especially if you're on a hectic rotation, you left the house at say 8am and with all the loooong bus rides you'll reach home by 6-7pm. By the time you had your dinner, showered and prayed it's already 9.30pm. Unless you can remain motivated 24hours a day, by 10pm you're already exhausted and the bed is your only friend. You can't stay up too late either cause tomorrow's an early start.

Accumulation.  If you're attached to a team and the reg/consultant is overly motivated, you'll be drilled with questions at ward rounds or clinics. If you can't answer, you feel stupid and make a mental note to study Case A. Then you rushed to tutorials and the tutor talked about something alien to you so you make a mental note to study Case B. By the end of the day you have a dozen of topics accumulating for you to review.

Communication. You're constantly communicating and taking histories from patients and sometimes it's not easy. Try randomly talking to 20 strangers a day and each of them gave you a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle to solve.

Nevertheless, all the above are exactly what I love about Medicine. Constantly on-the-go and learning and understanding the most peculiar cases, it's just amazing in a weird way.

Doakan :)

Rewarding.

Assalamualaikum and helloo kittyyy.

My desk lamp just decided to burn itself again so I have no adequate light source to continue studying, hence the blogging hahaha puiii alasan

Anyways, I really feel the need to share what happened yesterday. I'm on my delivery week, which means I'm a 'stork' for a week, delivering babies to mummy daddyy. Interestingly, it was also my first time working with an amazing amazing group of people, called midwives. Amazing because they did a noble job, although sometimes they can be quite, errm, quite a character.

So I went on my morning shift as usual, and fortunately after an hour of waiting, the unsmiling senior midwife sent me to a room. I stayed with the patient, and it was a slow labour since that was also her first pregnancy. In the end, she went into a C-section so I waited again in the office to be assigned to a new patient.

"Excuse me, do you have any new patient I can go to?" "None at the moment." She answered shortly and sternly.

So I waited for another hour, staring blankly at the digital clock, hoping someone would allocate me to a room. I asked again, and was brushed off with the same answer. My shift was supposed to end at 3pm, and it was now 2.55pm. It was getting really really frustrating, as I feel like I'm wasting my time by just sitting there waiting. I made a mental note to leave at 3.15pm if nothing happens.

Added to the fact that an incident earlier that morning made me feel completely ignored. I won't go into details. But it was a really stressful morning and my patience was tested. Felt like screaming "HELLO I'M HERE CAN YOU SEE ME at least spare me a smile pleaseee" to everyone who come and go at the office.

Anyways, when I finally gave up and decided to grab my bag and leave, the senior midwife came and said, "Go to Room X." Off I went.

And it was my most hands-on delivery ever alhamdulillah. It was a lady who's on the verge of giving birth, I introduced myself to her and the lovely midwife in charge and automatically grabbed an apron and a pair of sterile gloves.

The senior midwife came in, saw me, and said, "Are you going to do the delivery?" "Err, no." "So why do you have your sterile gloves on?" "Oh sorry I just thought I could assist..." I answered timidly.

"Ok you need to wash your hands before putting the sterile gloves on. If you wanna do it, do it right." She said with the most gut-wrenching tone ever. Determined although slightly palpitating, I did what she told me to do.

Gloves checked, goggles checked, apron checked. I approached the patient and subconsciously placed my hands over her knees while she was in her contractions.

Again, the senior midwife turned to me and said sternly, "What are you doing?"
"No no no, you don't touch the patient with a sterile glove like that, understand? You need to get a new pair now, go."

If I were an ice cube, I would totally melt and evaporate into panic-stricken air. The only thing in my mind was that my day couldn't be any worse than this.

Just when the baby's head was almost out, the senior midwife turned out to be the best teacher ever. She guided my hand over the head and let me hold the baby, clamp the cord, deliver the placenta, and all that jazz, while enthusiastically explaining the bits and pieces of labour.

Plus, the baby was born to a Muslim mom, and was given a truly beautiful name. Double joy for me :)

In the end, the senior midwife was the kind of person who was willing to teach you if you proved that you're there to learn. She was all smiling and cheerful, which was truly the opposite character I saw earlier.

Sometimes perseverance can be rewarding. I regretted throwing tantrums in my own head, when all I should do was just be there sincerely to learn. Ikhlas. Rileks sudaa. Kalau memang ikhlas nk blaja mesti x kesah apa org cakap n x emo kann.

how cute is my preggy mommy?

p/s: "kalau saba and tunggu, mesti learn something new" ;)

Magical.

Assalamualaikum and hello dearest-s.

"Magical."
That was what a student midwife said to us while enthusiastically reliving the story of the first home birth she witnessed. Yes indeed, after only 2 weeks into my "sakit puan" rotation, welcoming a new life is as magical as magical can be.

I saw my first C-section yesterday, and subhanAllah it was beautiful (of course I'm not referring to the 'cutting' part). The baby immediately cried after his head popped out of that large incision on his mother's belly. The most beautiful sound ever. Seriously. I've never loved a baby's cry until that day.

All the staffs in the operating theater are all used to C-sects, they do 5-6 of them a day, that it was almost like a routine- showing the newborn to the proud parents, weighing, cleaning, examining. All that jazz. While there I was, standing in a corner witnessing the whole event with almost glassy eyes. Of course the mother cried, so I had to stop myself from tearing too. (Amboi skrg sapa mak budak ni, ko ke patient.)

The daddy kissed the mommy's forehead, both of them beaming happily at the sight of their 9-month worth of love and anticipation.

That was probably how my Abah reacted when I came into this world, coz I kinda give mama loads of trouble throughout my birth. She had a biggg C-sect scar because of a baby who decided to somersault in her belly. hikss thanks mama abah love youss!

It really reminded you of how your parents reacted when they first saw you, like they really really fall in love with this little bundle of joy in their arms. Like, you can never ever beat that kinda love, dude.

And this was C-section. I would probably sob uncontrollably in an actual normal delivery.
I'm on my delivery shift next week and boyyy I wonder how far can I handle this whole emotional thingy every day.

The way Allah created humans are just beyond amazing, just crazy amazing, mind-blowingly amazinggg.

Warming up.

Assalamualaikum, hello lovelies.

Pardon me for leaving this blog rusty for over 3 months. Malaysia has kept me too busy, I've been out and about spending precious times with families and friends that I couldn't sit still in front of my laptop screen. I have now concluded that I only write when I'm lonely, therefore, I am now. hahah

If I was in Malaysia, after dinner, at exactly 9.30pm now, I would sit at the living room with mama and abah watching our favourite TV shows or the news and chatting away, while Ira would be at the dining table nearby finishing her homework. At about 10pm Adik would call from MRSM, and sometimes on certain days Ayit would facetime us after Maghrib. Our cat Obi would lie lazily on the floor if he's home. Sitting in the same room with beloved families always gave a special sense of comfort that I was rarely in my own room at home. Now I'm alone in my own room in Dublin and it feels lonely and empty and quiet, despite my two speakers blasting out a song.

Fitting myself into my usual academic routine would be hard after 3 months of carefree living in the arms of loved ones. I don't even have a routine! I am now staring at a page of obstetrics notes thinking how unprepared I am for tomorrow's introductory class. In denial mode.

arghhh cakap ja lahhh ko homesick. HOMESICK.

Parrots-eat-'em-all.

Assalamualaikum and hello passer-bys.

Yesterday I went to the hospital early, to look for patients and fill up my logbook. As I walked down the corridor, a gentleman on a wheelchair stopped me with a friendly "How are ya?". After a friendly ice-breaking exchange, he asked where I'm heading to.

"I'm going to the wards to talk to patients."
"Oh you can talk to me if you want to."

I figured, why not. So he wheeled himself into a reading room, I tagged along behind. I sat down on a chair facing him while preparing my notepad. As I looked up, I saw the most shocking view I've ever seen. His right-sided skull was missing and he has this huge dent on his head, which I didn't notice previously as it was covered by his hair.

I didn't know where to begin, for I know that is a result of a life-changing accident. How do you even start with "Sooo what brought you into hospital?" in cases like these. He started.
"I was involved in an accident two years ago, I was in a coma for 6 months."

I didn't know how to react, because I started the morning looking forward to doing my geriatric depression scale and MMSE and all that jazz on elderly stroke patients.
Now I'm talking to a 32-year-old previously healthy man, who went on a holiday, and got terribly hit by a car while cycling, and is now spending his years, wheelchair-bound, and paralysed. Let's just call him Chris.

"I'm sorry about that accident..."
"Not as sorry as I am, Ika."

The conversation moved on, he talked about college, families, and whatnot, when he suddenly said,

"I can't see you, Ika." I went blank, he can't see me the whole time we're talking??
"What do you mean you can't see, Chris?"
"I can see motions and colours but it's all too blurry..I couldn't really see your face right now."

Shoot me. I just sat there awkwardly not knowing what to say. He talked about how his friends are graduating and he missed out on his studies after the accident. Now his vision is missing too? It was really, really sad.

But he didn't sound sad. He talked casually, sometimes smiling and I was the one looking really depressed. But he can't see me and my ugly sad face.

Next year when I'm finally working (inshaAllah), I can see myself staring at patients and not knowing how to react when they cry, or when they're frustrated. I would probably make an awkward gesture which doesn't make them feel any better. I reeaally need to work on my social skills. Sobs


In the end, Chris kept saying sorry for holding me up. Before I left he said,

"I have one last question for you , Ika. Why is there no pineapple in the jungle?"
"Hmm.. that's a tough one Chris."

I couldn't figure this one out.

"Sorry Chris I really don't know. Come on what's the answer."
"Paracetamol."
"Paracetamol?"
"Yeah, paracetamol."
"I don't get it."

He came closer, and said very slowly. "Para-ce-tamol."
"I don't understand, a little help now Chris."
He finally said, "Parrots-eat-'em-all."

It's like he's the doctor cheering me up, and I'm the patient.

All the best in rehab, Chris.

Next rotation.

Assalamualaikum and hello peehpuls.

This post will be a salad of thoughts, just because.

If once upon a time I spent a huge amount of time grooming and updating this blog, now it's just a side dish of my daily life. Because as you grow old everything you did are either boring or uneventful, and mine is mostly not worth a share hahaha. Sorry little bloggy, you know I won't abandon you forever.

Anyway, it's unbelievable how fast this term has been, before I knew it I'm now left with the remaining 5 weeks of GP (general practice) rotation. And God-willing if all iz well, this coming September we'll all be final meds. Gulp.

So far through my medschool rotation madness;

- Medicine; done and dusted.
- Surgery; done and dusted.
- Forensics and Legal Medicine; done and dusted.
- Psychiatry; done, results pending.
- GP; currently on.
- Obs and Gynae; next semester.
- Paediatrics; next semester.
- Public Health; next semester.
- Professional Completion Module; next year.


I'd say this semester is the loneliest I've ever been in. Most of my times were either spent cycling alone or travelling on my own to the hospital. Because everyone else is currently on a different rotation and although I have Akem on board the same rotation, still, he's mostly placed at a different hospital.

But that's ok. I guess at this stage, we're all used to loneliness. I prefer "independent" rather than "lonely". Oh yes, I am independent. *cries*

A little bit of me-time won't harm anyone, it gives you time to think (a lot) while looking outside the bus window. I normally thought about how comfy my bed was. And food. Lotsa food.

This morning I went to my first placement on this rotation. Lovely place on top of a hill surrounded by trees and overly green fields. Actually I think it's a bit sad, as if you're sick and then sent over to an isolated mansion to recover. After an hour of introductory lecture, I decided to just roam the wards and grab a patient for history. Everyone else dispersed into pairs so le selfish me wanted to get things done quick so I went on my own.

It's been a while since I last took a medical history. 6-weeks of psychiatry previously  were mostly probing patients with "have you heard any voices," "how's your mood," "have you ever tried harming yourself," all of which left me even more depressed.

I talked to Mr S, an 86-year-old lovely gentleman who's recovering from a stroke. He sat on the wheelchair and the nurse warned me, " Do you have a lot of time? Coz he sure talks a lot." Apparently, Mr. S wasn't as talkative as described, although he did engage cheerfully to my questions.

I took a short history, Mr. S went, "Thank you for talking to me.You didn't overdo it. I have a young man a couple of weeks ago and he asked me tonnes of questions, almost 40 minutes." He said with an exhausted sigh.

And then I realized, there might be a patient complaining of the same thing about me too.

I couldn't imagine myself patiently answering meticulous questions like "do you smoke?" "how many a day?" "do you drink?" "who's at home with you?" "do you have diabetes?" "high BP?" blablabla like they're a bunch of answering robots. May God bless all of the patients who willingly spare some time for lousy medical students like me.

My mini barbies.

Assalamualaikum and hello

Today I had a chat with a girl around Ira's age. God knows how lucky I feel to be surrounded by little sisters (and a brother :p) who are both blessed with good health and happiness.

Adik (my youngest sister) registered into a boarding school last few weeks! Imagine calling home and Mom casually tells you "hey Adik's got an MRSM offer she's leaving this weekend." It takes a while for that info to sink in.  I'm pretty sure it feels different without Adik at home. She has this "ritual" of kissing my parents goodnight and throwing a long speech of "Mama abah restu adik tak, sorry for everything, thank you for everything" before we go to sleep, every single day, without fail, that all of us have memorized by now. Ira and ayit can even lip-sync her.

She's also the one who used to compliment my cooking no matter how nasty it tasted. Although she comes home every weekend, I know it will be different without her around. My baby's all grown up :')

So, with Adik recently registered to Baling, we are now left with the only bibik in the house, Ira. That being said, she is deprived of her sisterly love that she harassed me through whatsapp, probably trying to get over her lonesome issues haha.

In a way I'm glad that Ira decided to not go into boarding school, because at least I know someone's at home to keep MamaAbah company. She's a bright girl despite her bimbo obsession over 1D. You should try watching her study when exam's around the corner, it'll freak you out. Sometimes she didn't study that much and all that A's miraculously appeared. Genius brat.

Ira celebrated her sweet 16 yesterday (7th April) so if you're reading this, do slip a tiny prayer for her moga panjang umur murah rezeki jadi anak solehah aminn. People who met her at first would think she's the shy type, when at home she's this manic hannahmontana-wannabe who cracks everyone up when she's in the mood.

By the way, they've both recently installed braces to their teeth and had to eat porridge and speak like a dopey duck. HAHA fun to watch

Back to what I did today, the girl I talked to was battling with her own well-being, at a young age. A struggle to achieve an impossible perfection, that costs her body to fail, leaving her family devastated and the people around her to watch hopelessly.

I can't help but feel blessed to think that the girl sitting on the chair in front of me is not Ira or Adik. I pray that Allah keep them safe from all harm and grant them happiness along the way.

Penyakit minda.

Assalamualaikum and heyyo.

So our insanely horrific exam period was over last week. Ergo, medicine and surgery, done! (ok but not dusted till results are out)

I've started my Psychiatry rotation woohoo! I thought first day would be a relaxing one, turned out to be the opposite. The reg decided to bring us on tour of the hospital, which lasted for almost two hours but I enjoyed it. For a split second I thought I was in a hotel or something. The interior design was crazy amazing.

Anyways I have a couple of long-overdue posts with regards to what's going on back home recently;

-Adik registered into MRSM Baling a couple of weeks ago! I owed her a post, or else they'll think I love Ayit more :p

-Both Adik and Ira got their braces on last week. Thanks for adding to my insecurities now I suddenly think I am jongang.

-Ayit went bungee-jumping at some random Hobbits island. I want I wantttttt

I'll mess up this place again soooon. In the meantime, please pray for my family's health and may Allah took their worries away :)

Trial and error.

Assalamualaikum and hello awesome peehpul.

Ok I know rarely keep this place updated but urmm sorry Medicine seems to be quite an overly attached boyfriend lately so most of my times are spent completing my logbook cases and all that boring stuff. Pffttt. The past few weeks were a roller-coaster ride, dragging myself out of exhaustion each day. Oh well, the present still is.

Usrah this morning talked about Allah's tests. Allah has His special way to put each of us through difficult times, mainly to see how we pull through.

I think myself was tested differently although in fairness everyone has their own challenges. God sifted me from the main pool, throw me into the big blue sea, to see how I swim in different waves and temperatures. Allah tapis keluar, untuk bagi ujian berbeza dari orang lain. To see who Zulaikha truly is. Like they say, the truth is always bitter. Zulaikha is flawed in many ways, and struggling to improve and swim like the rest. Doakan :) (al-Hajj 22:35)

All seriousness aside, here's what happened last week:

1) I've recently moved houses, and loving my new room! Although another Tullamore posting doesn't really give me the chance to sleep on my own bed. I'm getting a lift from one of the girls tonight so cheers to saving on train tickets.

they helped a lot. Thank youu!

2) We sent the PMC lads home for good last Monday. A really sad day. But I'm used to being left behind so yeah we'll be fine. Hopefully Penang treats you guys well!

bye miffyy :(

3) Logbook cases are a pain in the gluteal muscles. I know it should benefit students in many ways but to choose a suitable case to write is really time-consuming and actually turned us into insensitive monsters. We flipped through medical charts much like hungry customers flipping through pizza menus at PizzaHut. "Chest pain?" Already had one. "Anemia?" Not interesting. "Collapse?" Chart not readable etc. And Mrs Minah or Mr Mamat had already turned into "Oh that patient with DKA in bed 16 etc" =.='

Ok pray for my good health and study. Byee

Sunflower.

Assalamualaikum and hello.

Do you miss meh? *krikkrik

Been busy with what people call Life lately. I ended my surgery rotation last week and it was a crazy busy week, in a sense that it starts early. I considered any team activity starting before 7am is a busy week, even though we only have two cases in theatre that day. For the love of my warm bed against cycling in the cold and darkness. Oh dear God it's been a while since I've dragged myself out of bed at 5-ish am to reach hospital by 6.30am.

Anyways. Random conversation in lectures today:

Abu and Minah (bukan nama sebena): Ika why do you keep changing your names?
Me: I've got 3 different names on my badge! Of course it's confusing.
Minah: You should try introducing yourself as Sunflower, or Pineapple or some wacky random names to the consultant sometimes.
Abu: Yeah why don't you try on a very old name, like Mary.
Minah: No Mary sounds common, try Jacintha, Jaa-sin-tahh, wow that really sounds old.

And then they went on trying hard to pronounce my full name. Hahah. Ended up sounding very much like Nuzulaka. Nuzulakka nuzulakka, it sounded like some Hawaii national anthem or something hahaha

Yeah my bad,  I totally confuse people a number of times, especially the doctors and consultants. I've been called, Noor, Nura, Zulika, Zuleikha, Iki. You name it. No wonder all my teammates raised eyebrows when I introduce myself with a different name to the consultants each time.

They were like, Dude, which one are you, Ika or Nur or Zulika? Lol

Here's to a fresh start of Medicine rotation. Bismillahirahmanirrahim, send your lovely prayers for us pretty plish. xx

Funamore.

Assalamualaikum and hello.

Here's my Tullamore story. To bore you further I'll now explain why I was in Tullamore. 4th-year students are now well into our Medicine and Surgery rotations, so like it or not, we will be placed in one of those peripheral hospitals outside Dublin at some point in the rotation. I was sent away to Tullamore to do 2 weeks of surgery, just approx 100km from Dublin, in a county called County Offaly. A pretty small town, with a brand new hospital just recently built to replace their old building. So everything were sleek and fresh.

UCD was generous enough to provide free B&B accommodation, and I was lucky enough to have the best host and a happy bunch of classmates to stay with. Of course to make sure I didn't starve I brought in some instant food and lotsa chocolates.

My cosy little room. Toilet en suite. And I have a TV in my room! Ended up watching lots of Jeremy Kyle talkshow. A TV show that definitely suits nosy people like me. Dasar penggosip

Our breakfast everyday, simple yet strangely fulfilling. Just boiled eggs and toasts. 

 One day I craved for Vincents' salmon so I bought a cheap one at Centra and roasted it in my landlord's oven. Still xbley beat salmon kat vincents. sobs. 

The lads decided to go out for a movie night on a Wednesday. I joined in knowing that I won't be doing anything productive for the night. Twas a draw between Lincoln and Zero Dark Thirty, but everyone agreed on Lincoln. The movie was OK to me, though I somehow felt like attending a brief American history lesson. lol

The team at the hospital wasn't too bad either. The first time a consultant ever say my name right. Also resulting in my name being called frequently; "Zulaikha, what is the complications of gallstones?" "Zulaikha, tell us all about lap chole." The last time people ever call me by my full name was in lower secondary school. After PMR people decided that memory space needs to be saved so it turned into Zu or Ika instead. Hahah

I'm glad to say that I learned a lot from this placement. Write again soon. Astalavistahhh assalamualaikum :)

The Smartphone Culture.

Assalamualaikum and hellooo.

A quick tweet live from Tullamore! I was planning to write about my attachment here but unfortunately I've been a lazy nenek as usual.

Anyways, the girls went out to get some ice-cream today so I ordered a tub as well because I was too lazy to get changed. They came home and we all sat at the dining room chatting over ice creams.

Then the ice creams were gone and suddenly everyone went silent. And automatically everyone started swiping our smartphones. I didn't bring my phone over so I just sat there staring at my empty tub of ice cream. Well MC didn't have hers so we stared at each other too. Lol

I blurted out, "Guys it's so awkward when you don't have your phone with you. I don't know what else to do now."

Everyone immediately put their phones on the table and G said, "Omg it's so bad, isn't it? You play with it all the time even when you clearly have nothing to look at."

K went, " My dad used to say it's rude and everything, and then he continues fiddling with his phone too."

Everyone goes, "Sigh."

Welcome to the smartphone era, where awkward silence went away with your finger on the "swipe to unlock" column. tsk

p/s: See you real soon, Dublin!

Outlook.

Assalamualaikum and hello peeps.

Because I'll be posted away from Dublin in the next two weeks for my peripheral surgery rotation (it's in Tullamore, just a 1-hour train ride from Dubs), I'm committing myself to a list of short-term goals. Although  people say goals should be kept private because it's for you to score, I'm spelling them out anyway because it feels like I'm making a deal with 'someone' as a reminder. My blog is alive to me. Ok that sounds creepy..

1. Assume my Tullamore attachment is a free vacation granted by the school, all expenses paid!
2. Create a to-do-list everyday, with regards to surgical OSCE and MCQ.
3. Complete my surgical case write-up by the time I leave Tullamore.
4. Take a break at cousin's place over the weekend.
5. Finish the novel 'Life of Pi' to kill time.
6. Laugh a lot, and never let social awkwardness makes me sad.
7. If social awkwardness makes me sad, call parents as frequently as possible to ward off loneliness.

Now now I sounded like some social outcast. Haha

It's just that I've never been to Tullamore and don't really know what it's like. And only half of my groupmates will be there so I guess it's not fun when everyone's separated.

Ok Ika, positivity starts now! Bismillahirahmanirrahim.