Apa yg penat sangat?

Assalamualaikum and haluu.

You must be yawning through all the posts complaining how tired I always am. I myself wondered what is it that seems to be exhausting me so much? Besides, it's just the FIRST week at the hospital. The first week, for God's sake, and I've started whining all week long.

Actually, the truth is, it's not tiring at all. At least, physically it's not. And intellectually, it's not too (if you were to compare myself with my other colleagues with more rigorous questioning session from their consultants). I think what's tiring is out of my normal spectrum, because I'm exhausted emotionally. I guess others are too.

The endless wait outside the clinic not knowing who to search for. The awkward standing at the ward too confused on which patient we should examine. The conversations between our team's senior doctors who most of the times would disregard our presence. The look on the team's doctors upon passing us by at the corridor and thinking we're part of the wall, not bothering to even carve a smile (even though we've met everyday). The intimidating moments having to page the intern we're attached to and were simply brushed off on the extension as "annoying medical students". The long stares from all patients in the wards, wondering why are these people in white coats lingering on our corridors (fyi, white coats are only worn by students here, doctors don't wear 'em). The tiring trip to the hospital, having to cycle up an annoyingly steep hill.

Those were some of the reasons why I'm not thrilled by the thought of swapping environment, from lectures in campus, to the hospital. It really is exhausting to face all sorts of ignorance and indifference in a whole new prospect you're trying to fit into, every single freaking day. Every morning I seriously had to drag myself out of bed for the sake of another day of emotional playground.

The only thing actually driving me is the thought of seeking for knowledge. And pahala ziarah orang sakit hari2 inshaAllah. This is the real thing. We actually have to SEEK for it, no spoonfeeding whatsoever. And also I need to lower my expectations of the 'ideal' clinical years. Maybe the doctors are busy attending a handful of patients, that's why they have no time to explain every single thing to you. Maybe they've just finished a round of stressful on-calls that they too were exhausted. Maybe they didn't notice you at the hallway because they're rushing to meet their patients' needs.

Don't simply judge. I really hope the day would come in which I would voluntarily wake myself up from bed to happily cycle to the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I like clinical hands-on, I like medicine, I like being around people and learning new things. Those things I mentioned were only hurdles I need to break through, though sometimes they exhaust me. So, let's just get this 3-week rotation done, and get it over with.

Tomorrow's the second week. Cheers to the long waiting hours. Cheers to the uncomfortable look people throw at you. Cheers to awkwardly tailing behind senior doctors not knowing what's appropriate to do. Most importantly, cheers to discovering new things :)

Moga Tuhan permudahkn semua urusan. Amin