I mean it

when i say i'm fine

sometimes it doesn't mean i'm fine.

when i say i'm happy

sometimes it doesn't mean i'm happy.

when i say i'm sad

sometimes it doesn't mean i'm sad

when i say i'm angry

sometimes it doesn't mean i'm angry

when i say i'm cool

sometimes it doesn't mean i'm cool

but when i say i love you one day,

it means i love you, and i mean it.

because a word so pure shouldn't be made cheap,

and most importantly, say i love you to God like you mean it.

"say it like you mean it"- raven baxter, thats so raven.

A short Sunday.

skyped with the family, with much laughter and teasing from everyone,

mama who's busy talking while folding the freshly laundered clothes,

and who nags on ayit who seemed not nervous with his upcoming results, haha

I know he's playing it cool, inside confirm tengah nervous gila :D

abah who keep reminding me on the flight tickets, I know he misses me :p

ayit who never stops being the annoying him, showing off his new book

ira who never fail to remind me on the purse she wanted, and then 'ok bye' comes after -.-"

adik who showed a pretty picture she colored.

it really feels like home :')

went for a lunch meeting, and accompanied makcik bulat cantek to find a suitable bag to class.

and then something amusing happened while we waited for the bus. An Irish man around the age of 70 was waiting at the same bus stop. After asking him and chatting on the usual 'where're you heading to' blablabla, he asked, "Are you married?" I answered, "Oh no, I'm single." Guess what he replied, "If you're married, you can get a divorce and I'll marry you." I laughed nervously and awkwardly, but he's a funny man anyway. One cheeky little atok. haha

so that's my short sunday. now it's time to hit the books. two midterms coming up and a hospital visit tomorrow. let's get crazayyyyyy~

81 days to kill.

exactly 81 days to kill, for this;

places I would most probably be in, this July :)

independency.

independent. not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence. (oxford dictionaries)

A word I never thought will be compulsory on me one day. Throughout childhood and adolescent life, I've been dependent on my parents, even if I went to boarding school, independent apa kalau duit outing tiap-tiap minggu call them. Kasut pun kdg2 mama yg basuh, baju kdg2 abah yg iron.

And then when we grow up, I don't know if you noticed, but you'll slowly be independent without you realizing. Once upon a time you're afraid to decide on even the simplest thing like which t-shirt colour you should pick, and now here you are planning your trip to foreign countries like Spain, France etc, without having the urge to consult your parents anymore, and only call them for permissions.

And sooner or later, you're on your own making huge decisions concerning your life. And sadly, I failed miserably. When you have to pay your own bills, buy your own groceries, fight annoying people off, handling your own heartaches, push yourself to take up pills when you're sick, work out your own financial plans, that's when you know you're an adult.

And there's no time to be dependent on anyone. Nobody waits for you, especially when you're not pretty enough, not rich enough, not funny enough, not handsome enough, or whatever it is that makes people enjoy your dependency on them. If you don't have the aforementioned criteria, normal people would normally act rimas when you're dependent on them. That's how funny the world is.

Sadly at the age of 20, I've only recently learned, don't grow dependent on anyone, because one day when you saw them being dependent on others, you'll realize, they never actually cared about you in the first place.

p/s: Bill electric bulan ni dah bagi myocardial infarction, thankyou airtricity.

Berhentilah

berhentilah mencuba

memenatkan diri menggembirakan seisi dunia

memuaskan hati manusia yang terima-kasihnya hanya sementara

lebih baik memuaskan hati Yang Kekal selamanya.

berhentilah bersedih

dengan setiap kata-kata sekalian manusia

dengan setiap masalah sekecil-kecil bakteria

lebih baik bersedih dengan hari-hari berlalu tanpa sekelumit ingatan pada Dia.

berhentilah berkerja

jika setiap amanah itu diterima kerana manusia

jika setiap projek itu hanya untuk mendapat nama

lebih baik berhenti dan berfikir ini untuk apa kalau bukan untuk Dia.

berhentilah beremosi

jika situasi tidak seperti yang kita mahukan

jika kata-kata orang seolah-olah tidak layak mendapat ampunan

lebih baik refleksi kenapa reaksi itu yang orang berikan.

berhentilah berkata-kata

bila setiap kata hanya mengguris rasa

bila setiap kata hanya menambah dosa

lebih baik diam seribu bahasa, biar orang sendiri yang menafsir bicara kita.

peringatan untuk diri sendiri, and untuk sesiapa yang sudi membaca.

humbly and miserably written by yours truly,

Ika.

1.12am. On my favourite white desk.

It's time.

For this little girl,

to think deeply

to choose wisely

to let go

to hold on

to understand

to walk away

to paint the future

to please God

to forgive

to apologize

to never hate

to be honest

to prioritize

to love herself

to appreciate

and most importantly, to grow up

and be a woman.

ketegaq

From Tunisia, to Egypt and now, Libya,

People are having more faith in their own voices nowadays, even more faith in what they believe. I admit I am not that enlightened when it comes to issues such as these, to claim if this is of a religious or political basis. All I can say is that when the people demand a trustworthy system, say a caliphate, people like you need to realize that you're busted and it's time for you to step down. No need to kill innocent people and act innocent. 400 died in two days, and the number is increasing as I'm writing this down. How many lives do you actually need to convince you to step down? Geram la.

"He blamed the uprising in the country on "Islamists", and warned that an "Islamic emirate" has already been set up in Bayda and Derna, where he threatened the use of extreme force."-aljazeera

haha. as always, blame Islam for everything. As if it ever affects the spirit of the Libyan muslims.

Awat ketegaq sangat?

Nak balik.

A random video taken during our first flight to Dublin. makcik2 limah dan bedah tak pernah naik flight jauh2, so pardon their excitement being blessed with a seat in business class. Diulangi, business class.

Ok annoying sungguh nak bagi orang jeles dgn flight kami last year. Well basically we're in search of a cheap flight ticket back this summer. Haagen-dazs, big TV, delightful meal which include lobster, steak, satay etc, served separately, wide space in front boleh poco-poco, personal travel kit, moving seats with massaging machine. haih. Harapanla nak naik business class lagi kann. (T.T)

A weekend spent.

A weekend spent with loved ones can never beat any other weekend. So I guess this weekend was a chance for me to refresh whatever is rotten inside, though this might be the third time I went. A short post on what I learned over the weekend.

No matter how many times we heard the same thing, endlessly, that doesn't determine anything about our level of understanding. One thing for sure, even if you attended the same thing a thousand times, the only message always revolves around our responsibility to the people around us. I'm not the right person to preach about this but you can't run away from a responsibility, especially a responsibility from God.

At the Day of Judgement, people will question on the reasons why did you choose NOT to tell them? When it's pretty clear that we are responsible for everyone we abandoned and ignored, and for everyone who're acting wrong and we just let them be. Nobody wants to be blamed for the sins others did. So tell, and don't just sit there and act like you don't know. No matter how little you tell others, at least you're doing it instead of sitting there ignorantly.

But what if we felt like we've sinned a lot that we're not in the best position to tell others to do good. That's what I felt. Every second every day. The least we could do is start changing ourselves to the better. Because the Prophet saw told us, celakalah orang yang hari ini sama dengan semalam.

sedih.

Tin kosong.

To you, easy for you to act like it's not a big deal when you're a part of it too. Easy for you, because you're always on the other side, always were, and always will be. No matter how many million times you said you're not, the fact is, you are. Every denial made, creates yet another scar. By next year, I guess I'll qualify as the biggest scar-bearer, alongside others. And by next year, may it all gives us a happy beginning of the end.

p/s: asyik "to you" "to you", mesti semua orang cuak nak baca blog ni just in case I'm really referring to you. hahah

Kids

I'm not very fond of kids, but nobody can deny the fact that they can make you smile instantly, apart from when they get all grumpy and crying all the time. I love kids, but hand me one and they would most of the times kerek tak layan, unless kalau bribe dengan chocolate and toys, baru nak layan kak ika. -.-" Maybe because kak ika tak cukup hot.Fine. haha. Glad that God blessed me with a big family, both on my mom's and dad's side. Best sebab everytime balik kampung or during family gathering there would always be chaos around the house with them around :) And maybe they're the reason I chose to be in the taska sayangku club back in college, in the pursuit of being ibu mithali around bubbly little kids.

So yeah, now I'm in the 'missing' mood. Missing every little cousin of mine, yang besaq gajah pun rindu jugak tapi hampa bukan rindu ika pun -.-" By the way, these little angels are all modern babies, so nama semua sedap2 panjang2 belaka.

nina and little fudhail :)

zulhakimi aka kimi raikkonen :D

Nursaradamia Armani, mia :)

irfan danish my shin chan :)

hani kamilia and anis syafinas. pinas's attempt to a sexy pose -.-"

skyping with nana n pinas. excited tengok webcam instead of me -.-" haha

akiff khairil aka jj ultraman :)

jj main barbie. pengaruh sapa ni?

cutest ever adrianna sofea :)

armand reefqie yang pandai cakap 'omaigod' dengan penuh emosi hahaha :D

merlissa syuhada, always the good girl ;)

It's pretty sad to know that you don't get to watch them grow slowly. All I know is that every time I see them, suddenly dah petah becakap, dah pandai merangkak, dah pandai jalan. Kids these days, grow up like beansprouts, fast-paced. Balik summer ni mesti semua dah pandai macam-macam. Next year I go home tiba2 mesti ada yang dah masuk tadika. Waaa cepatnyaa. Nak more babies in the family! sobs

And of course, last but not least, harusla rindu these 3 musketeers. Nanti cakap tak rindu terasa plak, pastu merajuk xnak skype dah.

adik's attempt to show off her little duckling she's looking after. pity that little duckling adik dok tayang2 depan camera -.-"

FAT BOY currently found hibernating at home. haha

and this girl who misses justin bieber more than her big sister. patrick je yg sanggup pandang webcam. sobs

looking at their pictures sometimes send me a piece of love from home. love you to bits :)

Semangat yang hilang

kita cari pulang.

There was a time in college during ramadhan, a weekend spent distributing flyers and comics about ramadhan in Sunway Pyramid. Sunway Pyramid, I tell you. A place people head to for shopping and entertainment, and ice-skating -.-" , not for some flyers reminding you about Ramadhan and Islam. Like "hello, kitorg pun Muslim kot, of course we know about ramadhan yadayadayada." And there we were, dispersing in the many wings of the mall, receiving weird stares from people.

These days if people do good, it's impossible if it doesn't include any reward. So people stared and some even asked if they have to pay for the flyers. Some even refused because they thought it's not for free. Some took it and looked at us in disbelief, as if nobody ever gives something off for free these days. Some refused because they thought we're from some kind of a freaky religious group. And oh well, some refused because they're in the middle of a lovely date and we just barged in, interrupting with the flyers. And we did it, without the slightest sense of embarassment. And ada jugak makcik yang mintak flyers lebih nak bagi all her kids. Comel. One of the many weekends in college I'd remember the most :)

And looking back, from where did I have all the guts to approach the public randomly talking about Ramadhan? Because if you ask me to do the same thing now, I might think twice. Not because I didn't want to, but because the guts I had once upon a time are not the same as now. Not the same enthusiastic spirit which can push you off to do anything, absolutely anything, to get people doing good. Not the same spirit which send me off running to my friends' room to share something important. And thinking that way, it makes me sad. Because I know I'm not that girl anymore. Not the one who'd do anything to spread the word without doubt, but one who'd think twice to do the same thing I did dulu, because it felt so wrong when you don't practice what you preach.

And yes, I'm proud enough to watch them as they grow stronger by day. From what we once were in college, to those who're now actually planning and leading a huge team. I deeply love and treasure each one of you, for all of you have sacrificed so much and brave enough to keep holding on no matter what. And I know right now all I did was disappointing people with the responsibility given to me. I have a feeling that things might change one day, that somehow I might not be a part of the same old group anymore. The only thing I knew is no matter what happens, I will never abandon His road and the responsibility for this is where everyone should belong. The pace I am now is slower than a snail crossing the road, probably slower than that, because there's so much things going on that keep pulling me backwards. Please don't linger on trying to drag me because you'd do so much better if you run along and move forward, and I'll catch you up from behind if God wills it.

Something I heard from someone hit me, that makes me want to write this post up. "Sesuatu kumpulan itu takkan hilang, kerana kekuatan sesuatu kumpulan itu, terletak pada keikhlasan ahli-ahlinya." So as long as you're there, I know it won't ever stop and fade away, even with me crawling so slowly, or even without me along.

With the humblest heart ever, I admit that I have wronged in many ways. How can you preach about something so pure when you still have many wrong things in your pocket.

I love you no matter what :)

Two dates in a row.

Thursday dinner date with her.

Friday gym + lunch date with her.

Life? Awesome :)

A good day.

Today was fun, blessed by the chance to meet two special people. Alhamdulillah.

Our genetics lecture today was a clinical seminar on Down Syndrome, and we were honoured to have a person with DS to share his experience with us. Mind you, even though challenged with DS, he's now working as a reporter and just finished writing his own book. Cool ain't it? And to make it all special, he came with his mom, who shared with us her experience coping with a DS child. I remembered his mom saying, " They are just as normal as we are, but they are normal in their own special way." And both mother and son were both actively involved in Down Syndrome Ireland, helping others with the same challenge.

And then after our last lecture, went to a talk given by Abu Hafsa Abdul Malik, who was a Muslim revert from Canada. He embraced Islam after reading the wonderful story of Malcolm X, who was also a revert. One thing that makes him special is, Abu Hafsa is visually impaired from birth. The first time he heard the word "Islam", he said, "I like the word, I just thought it's an interesting word. It's not named after a person, like, Muhammad-ism or anything."

When he first listened to alFatihah, "I just like the sound of it. Of course I didn't know the meaning of it, but I just like the sound of it." :)

"The heart is what makes people blind, not the eyes."

And when asked the importance of spreading Islam, "It's our turn to pass the ball." He made it all look so simple, and doable to everyone :)

And his cheerful aura made the talk even more fun. " You know the cassette tape? The plastic case with two wheels in it?"haha

Basically, the start and the end of today were awesome, two people with two different challenges, DS, and blindness, yet both were so strong in seeking what they want. They made everything looked simple. We weren't tested with such challenges, so what are our reasons of not doing the thing we're supposed to do kan?

Sekupang dua

A million words are there in mind

But often things are left unsaid

Everyone's answer is always just "fine"

But deep inside only God knows why.

Tears and nightmares came by night

Though nobody knows what's hurting inside

Everybody's listening, and everybody's talking

But 'truth' is the only thing missing

God teaches us through mistakes

To be learned, not to lead us astray.

Words can change a spark to fire

Words without truth are only from liars

Words can bring you down in seconds

Words in promises should not be completely taken.

Promises and broken hearts

Not to one, but many around

As I watched myself growing apart

from the One Love that always surrounds.

It's hard to say who's fault this is

for only He knows what's in store

Even if I waited in a fantasy bliss

if He says no, then be it- no.

If God says go back in time

That's what I'll do, no need a sign

To tell my previous self that nothing comes before Him

Thus avoiding endless regrets, now it seems.

Despite all confusions and frenzies there are

Never can anyone take away the hope

A part of me still wait for the day

When promises once made will finally be real.

To those who have high hopes and trusts on me

And think that I have what it takes

Just so you know, I'm not like that

But one thing for sure, I love you to pieces

And disappointing you both is the last thing I'd do.

A thousand regrets I pledged to You

for daring to challenge the things You hate

Now nothing is more precious I dare say

than Your Forgiveness I once put at stake.

Yours truly,

Ika

p/s: Pardon me, it's the first attempt in writing crappy poems.

don't

don't gamble your future. just, don't. it's so annoying watching you placing your future at the tip of the sword. oh i forgot, i shouldn't bother. go ahead, go kill it.

mama

7th feb; here's to my all-time favourite superwoman;

mama, happy birthday :)

may Allah return all the happiness and love you gave me, multiplied.

rinduuu :'(

i'll be here.

for a little while.

In your face.

enlightened by this. you can always recheck the facts on your own anyways.

the Muslim brotherhood and caliphate. I enjoyed 6:46 onwards, and 14:30 too, and oh well just watch it. Hah! In your face! Mr. O won't be very happy with this I bet ;)

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Haha whenever you saw this do you feel like turning into The Hulk and crash your lappy to pieces? Like apahal-nak-private2-bajet-orang-nak-sangat-baca-blog-ni.

Hehe sorry la kadang-kadang minachi emo so dia kunci la pintu sekali sekala tak bagi orang masuk. But now it's public again so no fuss please.

Oh btw, I'm starting to feel like blogging sucks. Well basically everything sucks. Which make me feel like returning to my previous medium, here. Because when you write long posts people tend to misjudge what you wrote and whatnot. Annoying much? I know.

And another baidewey, I have recently realized that people change. Let's just hope that things get better and He helps us along the way.

Can't believe I'm actually saying this but I missed out on my revisions lately and my first midterm is coming up on the 1st March so if we think logically, I shouldn't give any freakin fuss on the dramas and start focusing on things that actually will affect my FUTURE. Sounding like a cute nerd here but guess what, that's what you want from me so that's what I'm changing into. But funny how people tell you to do things they themselves didn't do. Anyways, why bother. Not in my attention anymore. Your future, your game. You know people get tired of drama sometimes, me included.

Oh God I turn to You. I really do. Please please please make these go away, at least for now :'(