Livahh.

I remembered a time in college, when I was presenting on something to do with liver, and to show you how confident I was, I actually pronounced cirrhosis as "kai-ro-sis", as if I've known that syndrome my whole life. And sadly, nobody in the class corrected me, letting me appear bimbotic on my own. Sobs. I went back to my room only to find out that it is "si-roh-sis". What a loser.

Ok. That post was just to help me stay awake. I'm so sleepyyy. Apparently blogging is more interesting than cirrhosis and liver failure.

Why am I so lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Ok bye

Doa.

Yesterday was the first Muharram, 1433 Hijriyyah. I remembered people used to encourage the practice of reading doa awal dan akhir tahun. I read the "end-of-year" doa and was attracted to the meaning of it,

"Wahai Tuhan, apa yang telah aku lakukan dalam tahun ini daripada perkara-perkara yang Engkau tegah daripada aku melakukannya dan aku belum bertaubat daripadanya. Sedangkan Engkau tidak redha dan tidak melupakannya. Dan aku telah melakukannya di dalam keadaan di mana Engkau berupaya untuk menghukumku, tetapi Engkau mengilhamkanku dengan taubat selepas keberanianku melakukan dosa-dosa itu semuanya. Sesungguhnya aku memohon keampunanMu, maka ampunilah aku. Dan tidaklah aku melakukan yang demikian daripada apa yang Engkau redhainya dan Engkau menjanjikanku dengan pahala atas yang sedemikian itu. Maka aku memohon kepadaMu."

Definitely a beautiful prayer, as I read the doa in Malay, it hit me in every possible way.

However, I stumbled upon a post saying that it shouldn't be practised, as it is the practice of Syiah. So today I googled and read a few opinions, indeed, it turned out that there's no hadith that can be related back to the Prophet S.A.W. Even so, an article mentioned that if it is the sunnah of the Prophet S.A.W, 'nescaya para sahabat dan tabi’ien berlumba-lumba untuk melakukannya demi mengarap kebaikan disebalik amalan tersebut yang kononnya hebat fadilatnya.' [taken from here]

It also states that the hadith that recommend this practice is not true. And most of the people in Malaysia are religiously practising this doa, some even following the instructions that the 'start-of-year' doa should be read after Asr on the last day of Zulhijjah, three times. So basically, if we intended the prayer as an act of obeying the Prophet's sunnah, it's not right, what's even worse is when we're too obsessed of the practice that we forgot why we did it in the first place.

So, I'm just saying, berdoa is not limited to certain times or days. Some say that the prayer above shouldn't be read at all, but I think, it shouldn't be read ONLY during the end of Zulhijjah, in fact, we should practise it with the intention of seeking His forgiveness, regardless of days. Kalau niat nak ikut Syiah, memang la haram. Ke cane?

I like this snippet:

"Yang penting, kita tidak boleh mengaitkan do’a ini kepada Nabi . Berdo’alah dengan apa sahaja permintaan berdasarkan dalil umum galakkan berdo’a adalah dibenarkan, tidak terbatas kepada awal atau akhir tahun," [here]

Bila makin tua, wirid makin singkat, doa makin pendek. Hoi camna nak jadi imam and contoh to our babies in the future. Opps. hee. Salam Awal Muharram 1433h! :)

3 days of agony

Hello.

This place had been abandoned for the last two weeks. Because of a few reasons, one of it being the fact that I've been constantly bombarded with 'things' that seemed to be directed to me. So being me, certain things that people say, and write, and did, hit me and apparently I didn't know how to respond in order to show them that I'm hurt. Hence, I ended up doing the most immature thing I did, hiding up all the posts in this poor blog, thinking it can help them understand. You silly girl, Zulaikha.

Since I've left you for almost two weeks, I shall make this a long one, I guess. My finals will start on the 10th of December, which means I am left with merely two short weeks that should be filled with revisions. I abandoned that, too, for the last 3 days. Imagine having 3 days spent doing nothing, lying in bed because apparently, the gravity of my bed seems to be a lot heavier than the gravity of Planet Earth. 3 days wasted just like that, 72 hours of pure bliss on the bed, while everybody else is hitting the books like mad. Wow, 'that', 'bed', 'mad', it rhymes! I miss writing silly poems. Sobs. Ok back to the story, so yeah, I'm in a terrible mess, basically. I guess everyone had that period of time when you're hopeless and sad for no reason. And God put me through 72 hours of sadness and being me, I am always unable to see the hikmah. You silly girl, you.

In the last two weeks I planned a study timetable. What to accomplish in a day etc. And I've been following that timetable religiously. Until last Wednesday, when the agony began. Well actually, agony sounds a bit intense, macam mental suffering ke apa. It's more of an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Again, being me, I resorted to sleeping the whole day long. Leaving the 3-day gap in my study timetable. I am a pretty rigid kinda person, when I plan, I need them executed, and when it doesn't happen, I am completely lost. As for now, I am lost as to where should I find the pace again. 3 days of not revising and now where do I begin? Lost. Adoi. You silly girl, youu.

Even worse, if you're sad and you face it on your own, it's okay, but if you're sad and you affected the rest of the world, that's immature. And that's me. Perhaps it's a cry for attention. Perhaps it is to show that I'm sad and need some time alone. What I meant when I said the rest of the world is affected, is the sudden realization after you're finally sober that you've hurt the people around you for that matter. For instance, pity my little goldfishes, I haven't cleaned their tank for almost 5 days, well, because I'm sad. I wanted to clean them on Wednesday but since I'm stuck onto bed, they're affected too. Now they're both swimming in a tank of dirty water and their poo-poo, sorry little babies, I'll clean you up today, I promise. You silly girl, you.

I've acted silly, but I know I'm doing it for reasons I don't quite comprehend. Perhaps it's a way of lifting up the feeling, a way of letting go. I once promised to live by positivity, but I did just the opposite. Things will never be better, they will actually get tougher, but it's on me to get better so when the toughest times fall unto me, I'm better prepared. Things will never get better, I will. Things will only get tougher. Keep that in mind.

Someone I love once said, quoted Confucius, glory is not what we achieve most, but how fast we rise up after fall. I wouldn't want another day wasted. The burden of finals is overwhelmingly huge, but I shouldn't be complaining. That's what medics do. A lifelong learning process. One of the things I mentioned during my interview for a place in UCD. Now that I'm finally in UCD, I've forgotten the reason why I'm here.

So, ermm, where do I begin? I shall start with cleaning my goldfishes' tank. And the rest will fall into places inshaAllah.

To you-s, all the best for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. You'll pull through. You guys are smart.

ZzzZzZzZ

I hate it when I was dreaming of something I longed for, and I woke up right in the middle of it.

Keep calm and freakin' carry on, you silly lazy bimbo!

my room.

And, salam 9 Dzul Hijjah 1432h :) Happy fasting to those who is, and may all blessings be upon you. In case I didn't get to see you tomorrow, salam aidil-Adha to you too :) Aidil adha is all about sacrificing, and this year I'm sacrificing it all for this course. Nice timing, 10 Dzul hijjah just a day before my midterm tests ey?

Dear God, You always know best, make everything that's going on right now, the best for us all.

Silence

is golden.

Ever heard of that saying? I guess it hits me the most today.

You know, in my university we're blessed enough to have our own prayer room for the muslims. Built with the effort of a group of people, may God bless them. And as the prayer room is the only place you can golek2, and eat (ada air basuh tgn), we spent most of the times having our lunch in there as well.

I went to the prayer room, recently, taknak cakap waktu bila. And the first jemaah has already finished their solat. Then I heard another voice started a new saff. I decided to follow. But the voice of the Imam was slow that I had to listen very closely. And then when it comes to the first sujud, I had no idea which rakaat were we at. So I assumed it was tahiyat. Not long after, I lost track of the Imam's voice because the prayer room was so noisy with muttering and talking and whatnot. At last, I was forced to end my solat because the only part I heard was the Imam giving salam. And I had to start over on my own.

I know I shouldn't be talking about this because I'm pretty sure I would be that noisy when I was in the prayer room with my friends. Nanti mcm cakap x serupa bikin pulak kan. Sometimes, I just can't stop talking and sometimes, I forgot that there are people trying to pray in peace. But today, as I prayed and was surrounded by all the distractions, I realised how important silence is when you're performing solat.

As we're all now approaching the 20s and most of us are growing serious and mature with matters in life, why don't we get serious when it comes to solat too. After all, it is a serious business.

And if you happen to see me in the prayer room, noisily chatting away, do remind me :) Sometimes tak sedar kita buat bising, ada orang tension tak boleh khusyuk solat.

Speaking of golden, I noticed the leaves are all turning golden to welcome winter. Autumn would be my second favourite season after spring :)

Roebuck Downs

Simply a note to self. Silence is golden :)

Gender.

Heyy.

Suddenly feel like posting. You know I sometimes wonder, from almost a decade experience of mingling with boys (that excludes my 3 years in an all-girls school), I find a lot of things about them reflect total coolness. Not that I'm not thankful being a girl, no, it's just that some things about boys/men left me wondering why girls in general are not like that.

1) Sports. Boys, football, sports, almost inseparable. One thing I find interesting, is how they can decide to play soccer in the evening without having to go through the hustle of planning this and that. Like, "bola jom kol 5." "Onnnn." Surprisingly, for them it's a daily affair. Rarely do I find girls calling each other almost daily to plan a netball game and whatnot. I guess girls prefer to stay fit on their own, through jogging, gym etc.

2) Spontaneity. This somewhat amazed me. Say, they wanted to hang out, or play futsal, or whatever thing boys normally do, simply give each other a shout, and half an hour later they're already at the cafe hanging out. Simple. For most girls, we'd probably have to plan at least a day earlier.

3)Friendship. Apparently, this thing for boys always turned out simple. Most stories of people turning their back on each other will somehow involve girls, instead of boys. Probably because the boys prefer to confront each other as opposed to the girls. And, most bro-friendship lasts longer than girl-friendship. Again, maybe this doesn't apply to ALL boys but generally speaking, this is what I observed throughout the years in school and college.

4) Dressing up. This is my all-time jealousy. How can they dress up so easily without much fuss. Maybe some would say the girls have to cover up well, that's why we spend more time choosing the right scarf for the right blouse. But then again, why bother. The guys don't seem to give much attention to match their shirts to their belts. I guess over the years the society has put much pressure on the girls to appear pretty, as if all eyes are on them when they're out. Boys don't have this mindset, maybe that's why they don't bother dressing up every single painful day.

5) Emotional. Oh I'm not saying one gender is superior to the other when it comes to controlling emotions. I'm just saying, the boys always look like they're trained not to show off emotions. Girls and crying is common, but if you find a guy crying, that would be rare. Or maybe they cry in their bedroom under the pillow... who knows. HAHA. Anyways, I guess they're lucky not to have "that time of the month" like the girls, which is why we always end up having at least one emotional breakdown monthly. Tapi mcm emo more than monthly je skang. Tsk

6) Topic of interest. I'm just impressed at how well boys treated their body. I mean, when girls sit in a group, our topic of interest will at least include a touch on our weight and the flappy fat under our arms. And most of the times would blabber on how much we've eaten today and how fat we'll be tomorrow. I rarely heard any guy complaining on such issue. And, another thing still remaining a mystery to me, is the things boys talk about. Once, I wish to sit invisibly among the boys and hear whatever thing that interests them. Because, girls always gossiped on how handsome you guys are and who would be the prince charming. BAHAHAHA joking

Yeah. So those were the few things I find cool in the mechanism of a boy. Well, girls are cool too, but in our own unique way :)

Oh btw I've just finished my haematology and respiratory midterm tests, and another two tests are coming up next week. Doakan :)

Post-exam faces :D

I guess the stress build-up costs me a lot. I eat a LOT lately. Like a monster, oh no, probably more than a monster, perhaps more like a hungry dinosaur-ish monster, no kidding. We ordered fast food last night and I had two burgers in one go, like, really HUGE OILY SALTY BURGERS and then today I bought another burger after the exam. And every day I ate almost three huge plates of rice with chicken. Also I had a craving for coke I don't know whyyy. I'm sorry dear body I'm shoving you with all unhealthy stuff :( Haha complain je keje. I'm trying to gain (unhealthy) weight so whatever lah kan. Nah bukti...

....And I feel very crappy lately.

Panjang la plak post ni. sorryy